Beauty From Ashes

Chapter 19 Part 1

I lay out my hands toward her. "Exactly. And, it's clear to me now, that the original commandments in the old testament were a way to establish order for the Israelites, because so many other nations and cities lived their lives without rule, raping and murdering everybody, and God delivered his judgment upon several of them. He even gave warnings- like Jonah, he went to Nineveh to warn them of his judgment. It's not like he just went there to preach about his love, the city was so corrupt that God was considering wiping them out if they refused to change. And I'm not a fan of politics, but even the idea of rejecting our government laws is a little far fetched."

"That might depend on certain government laws, but I know that all of those laws in general, are there to establish order."

"And going against that basically makes them a cult of anarchists. Really REALLY stupid anarchists. So yeah, I can imagine how that definitely sounds like a bitter predicament," Sidney spoke out. "Umm, but if you're all in the mood for a derailing, Cheyenne if- uh, if you don't mind, I'd actually like to jump back to Sean and the party you were just telling us about."

"Sure. Go ahead, Sidney."

"Now, you had shown us a bunch of scars on your arm earlier on in this conversation. So let me know if I have this right. During this party, you and Sean have a little moment alone, you kiss, then he entices you. And you stay out on the steps after he went back inside, then you burned yourself to focus and then you left, is that correct?"

"Mm-hmm. That's how it happened."

Sidney then lays a finger under his chin and squints at me. "So......when you burned yourself, was that how the scars began or did you burn yourself before?"

I nod my head. "That was the first time. And I ended up doing it again and again, whenever someone tried really hard to seduce me. Which wasn't happening as often after a certain point, but it still happened a good number of times as you guys saw before," I said glancing at my sleeve. "That cigarette lighter that Sean handed me that night, I actually held onto it, and I only kept it for that reason."

Tamara joins in next. "And you told us that this was because of being triggered."

"Yes," I replied. "There were two parts to this. One is that, even though I was trying to change, there were several moments where I was right on the edge of being tempted into going back to my sexual ways. But what kept pulling me from diving back, was the fact that I would keep getting reminded of specific moments from Hell, that made me scared of the idea. And the possibility that committing those actions again, if only for a moment, had the potential of sending me back to that place? It was overwhelming. So while I still felt in control of my own head, I would burn myself, and then I would instantly snap out of it." I said. "Because, when you've escaped something you've been addicted or consumed with for so long, even if you are succeeding at getting away from it, there's always that small piece left inside of you that can be tempted into coming back."

"Even though you mentioned that it was hard for you to remember any actual pleasure from any of the times you had sex before?" Sidney asked.

"For real. That seemed like the strangest part. Like it should've been EASY for me to fully get away from it after I remembered nothing good from it. But it was like, part of me didn't even care about whether it felt good or bad, my body just wanted to experience the feeling again. And so in moments like that, my hands would suddenly have a mind of their own and travel around."

Tamara then looks down to the floor and thinks. "So, has there actually never been an intimate moment in your life that actually felt pleasant? Any romantic moment that you were happy with?"