Facade Of Perfectionism

Chapter 31~ Calm Before the Storm

I began pondering if spilling my life out in the open was the smartest thing to do, in front of a supposedly stranger, that somehow happened to be my therapist and a person who meant something to me, I can’t put my finger on what exactly, that barely cared for me anymore.

I couldn’t dare to look at anyone directly. It would be just too much. I stared right in front of the mirror hanging at the back of the wall, displaying our reflections. I glanced aside and looked at the figure sitting next to me. He was staring right into me. His eyes refused to leave my sight. I analyzed closely, his eyes radiated emotions that I wasn't able to get hold of, but a few of them were clearly evident, sorrow and sympathy. 

Sympathy is a funny thing. I always hated being sympathized. Most of the time it amounts to just a string or two of hollow words, spoken merely out of social etiquette; they don't mean a thing. An annoying thing to which you can't think of a retort, but to simply nod your head in dismay. It makes you the object of pity. Sympathy strikes me as too close to pity and that's something I never want to be, I never want to be pitied.

“Maya.” I looked up, Sophia finally breaking the silence, “What you confessed was a very brave act. You should be proud of yourself. I am not going to ask you how you feel after you spilled your heart out in front of us. I want you to know how strong of a person you are, and you should be proud of yourself just as I am.”

“Umm… thanks, I guess?” I didn't know what to say. “But I'm not sure if proud and brave should be the words to use for me. If I was brave enough I would have-” She cut me off before I could finish.

“Do not say that. What you experienced was horrific. If I was in your shoes, I do not know how I would have ever passed that phase.”

“You are just saying that to make me feel better.” I rolled my eyes yet a small, weak smile sneaked up at the corner of my lips.

“You are a strong and beautiful girl, Maya. Confronting your past was the first step into healing yourself. You just achieved your first milestone. Accepting it and moving on from it is your next step. And I'll be here to help you with everything I can.” She shot me a reassuring smile.

I simply nodded and got up from my seat. “I think we should leave now,” I said and she nodded, pulling me in for a warm hug.

My body stiffened in surprise but quickly returned the gesture. I pulled out and tugged my shirt down, smoothing the edges.

My eyes landed on him for the first time after the whole confession fiasco, finding his eyes still fixed on me. I widened my eyes, gesturing for him to get up so that we could leave. He didn't follow through.

I booted him on his shin, snapping him out of his clouded world, and gestured to him to get up.

“It was nice… meeting you, Sophia.” He finally spoke as we began to leave.

“Same here, Shawn.” We began to walk away before she called again, “Shawn, would you mind if I could talk to you for a minute?”

He looked at me and I shot him a confused look.

“You go ahead. I'll meet you outside.” He said, not meeting my eyes.

Umm…

“O-Okay. I'll be in the car.” I blurted but he walked out and joined Sophia.

I walked out of the door as soon as my legs could permit as a supposed walking and dashed off as soon as I shut the door closed behind them.

I'm such an idiot. This was a bad idea. I can barely hold the tears back anymore and I burst out into silent sobs in the empty elevator.