Facade Of Perfectionism

Chapter 43~Facing the Music

My hands felt clammy, and my mind jittery. How could I let this happen? I found myself questioning every now and then. 

The line eventually cut off shortly after I dropped it. I didn't miss anything though. I could still hear her unstoppable sobs in my head. 

I wasn't sure how but I found myself staring up at the ceiling of my bedroom. I didn't know how I got there; I had no recollection of any memory of walking down to my house.

Events from the… past flashed before my eyes in a cinematic sequence. My subconscious taunted, not letting me wipe out those scenes playing in a loop. The only difference, the helpless girl in the loop was replaced by another powerless girl, Zoey; and that made it a million times worse. History felt like repeating; as if it wasn’t enough the first time, and the worst part? I was still the defenseless one, unable to do anything about it. 

It all felt like Karma was hitting me back for the mistakes I made; never confining it to anybody else, letting the wrongdoers still roam around freely who proudly wore their deeds as a goddamn crown, for not being brave enough. It felt like Karma’s way of unsparing me by repeating it all over again; with someone I loved.

A wave of defiant tears rolled out incessantly. I wasn’t crying, no. My body felt too exhausted and numb for it. My body felt weightless, my chest was heavy. I had no idea how to make it stop. I just wanted it to stop.

A sudden yanking and a voice pulled me back into full consciousness. A concerned voice surrounded my ears, a rather soothing voice that held the power to ease my troubled soul. I gazed into the lustrous gray eyes, a concern gleaming through them that reflected my teary ones.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t need any hint or suggestion to figure out something that was enormously troubling me. I found myself instinctively leaning onto him, not sure of the reason why.

“Everything is my fault.” My voice was barely lucid. It wasn’t exactly my fault, I knew that, but it somehow felt like it was.

“Will you please tell me what happened, Maya? You are not giving me much here to understand.” I sat back, trying to form sensible sentences in my head first; so it wouldn’t come out like the mess my mind was.

I spent the next good thirty minutes narrating the situation. I had now nearly got out of the self-blame phase and as I kept going describing the incident, the angrier and agitated I grew.

A sudden rush of rage built up in every strand of my body. It wasn't like anything I ever felt. My body felt hot, hotter than I was capable of handling; my blood felt boiling at the highest temperature possible. It was unlike any emotion that I ever felt, and quite frankly, it scared me.

“I have to do something.” My hands quivered as I stood up, pacing around the room, “I can't let him get away with it. I need to do something Shawn, I need to do something!”

“Hey hey, calm down. Maya, please, look at me… and calm down. Take deep breaths.”

“I can't Shawn! I can't, I can't, I just… can't. You don't understand. I can't let Zoey become another Maya! I am not letting her do the same mistake again and let the scumbag get away so easily. Not this time.”

“You are angry now, Maya. You can't make irrational decisions out of anger.” He was starting to piss me off now.

“You don't understand, Shawn. I can't just sit around and watch her sway into the darkness. I have to do something!” I was yelling at this point. He, on the other hand, kept his calm and pursed his lips into a tight straight line.

“So what would you do then? Go there and then what?” He tepidly asked.

I instantly calmed down and thought it over for a while, whilst the room was surrounded with an agonizing silence that; if under any other circumstance, would have slain me piece by piece, but today, I didn't mind.