I'm Counting Every Lie

45: ;)

December 18th

Josh unexpectedly grabs the hem of my pants like he's going to pull my pants down. "Excuse me sir but those are my trousers," I say in a posh accent trying to mimic his accent.

"And," he say and I blush.

"And- they belong on me when I'm not in my room?" I say and he looks around his room.

"And not my room?" He says and I nod and he makes a face. He unbuttons my pants and I sweat at his hands. "Theres a new rule, no pants allowed in my room," he says and I snort.

"Take them off mister," I say pushing his hands away from my crotch. School just started break so we decided to go to his house and watch movies and hang out. He gets off of me and unbuttons his pants. My eyes widen and I watch josh take off his pants.

Of course he has underwear on but I've never seen him not in jeans. My face heats up as he grabs my pants. "Fine," I say and he pulls down my pants as I push down my hoodie so he wont see my underwear. He pins me down by the wrist.

"O-ow," I say and he let's go and I pull my arms to my chest and sit up. He hugs me and kisses the top of my head.

"I'm sorry, let me see," he says and I shake my head. I didn't tell him.. last night I was upset.. he rolls up my sleeve and looks at the fresh cuts. "Baby.." he says and I shrug.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"Its okay, you got to two weeks. Let's try to get farther than two weeks.. I understand it's hard but I really hate it that you feel like you have to hurt yourself," he says and I nod.

"I was thinking.. maybe I can start going to a therapist? I'm going to ask my mum if you think therapy will help," I mumble and he smiles.

"Yeah, but I'll help your mum because you should get the one I'm seeing. Not- not like at the same time but I think shes the best one. It helps to talk to her about things.. especially when its stuff I can't really talk to you about," he says and I nod. I know theres stuff I dont know about josh, theres stuff he doesn't know about me.

Like my old family.. he doesn't know I was physically abused until I was 13 and then went to crappy homes until two years ago when I moved here. He doesn't know about the stuff they said about me.. He doesn't know that Tom has done stuff like put dog poo in my shoes or beat me black and blue.

Tom was.. evil. I dont understand how my brother could be so mean.. but if you saw his he was raised you'll understand. Hes in the past.. He's in Australia probably. I dont know but I dont care. I'm happier now.

Josh kisses where my highlight is I smile. He brings out my happiness. That's the difference, when I was 'in love's with kellin he was my happiness. Josh brings out my own happiness. 

"You are so beautiful," he says and my face heats up. I think I kinda believe him. I believe he thinks I'm beautiful. So I am because his opinion on me is the only one that matters. Mine should matter but not now, not when I think I'm ugly. One day I'll love myself, right now I just tolerate myself. That's progress, I use to hate myself so much.

I kiss josh and he kisses back and grabs my hips. Some how I end up in his lap and his hands go to my ass and squeezes. I gasp and pull away, he's never done that and it just turned me on a little.. he smiles, "I would say 'fun to play with, not to eat' but I'd eat-" his face gets red and he chickens out. I blush and go back to kissing him.