I'm Counting Every Lie

22: crying

Spam the ham please

Friday

School is shit, especially now that I'm on Josh's bad side. I've been going through a lot and I dont know if I can deal with it. Matt locked me in a locker and I didnt get out of it until the end if the day when kellin went to my locker to see if I was there. Me and him are pretty much over the potion but that hardly matters, I still feel horrible.

Missing school isnt good do I haven't skipped again but I think I should have today because I had to leave my last block to go cry in a bathroom. However when I got to the bathroom there were people in it so now in sneaking out of the school to go sit behind it. In second block Josh was really mad and almost got in a fight with some random person for no reason so I've been avoiding him even more than normal. 

My knees are scraped up from wendy when josh pushed me out of his way. Since I didn't see him coming I wasn't prepared and fell all the way down to my knees and started bleeding so that's fun.. tears slide down my cheeks as I walk around the school. It's cold outside but that doesn't matter, I just need to cry.

I sniffle and wrap my arms around myself. My curly hair is in my face and I feel worse knowing I've been taking Josh's advice or whatever and not straighten my hair. All day I've been on a verge of a break down or anxiety attack and I hate it so much. I need to calm down.

When I turn the corner I'm surprised that I'm not alone. Someone else is behind the school sitting with his back against the dumpster- josh. He doesn't see me yet because his forehead is against his hands. His elbows are on his bent knees, maybe he's mad. I can't see his face but I don't want to. He'll probably hurt me.

My hands are shaking and I feel like throwing up or passing out. My teeth are chattering being of how bad I'm shaking but I clinch my jaw so there wo t be any noise.

Carefully I take a step back but trip on something and fall on my ass making a 'oomph' sound. When Josh looks up I feel confused and worse. He has tears running down his red face. We both have the same reaction: stand up and wipe our tears away. "I-im not- shut up, go away," josh says looking mad because I caught him crying.

Anxiety.

Run.

My stupid desperate attempt to run as I'm freaking out only fucks me up more. When I try to leave I trip yet again on the roots and fall but I twist my ankle the wrong way as I fall. Leaving leaves my mind because now I'm freaking out about the pain. I gasp and put my leg in front of me.

"Get the fuck away," he says about to yank me up so I can leave.

"N-no, I hurt it. Fuck off," I say and lay on my back trying not to think about the hot pain in my ankle. Tears come out of my eyes and I cover my face and cry. I can't deal with this. Oh god did I break my foot? Will I never walk again?  Is Josh going to hurt me?

Panic runs through my body and mind as I cry helplessly on the the dirt and rocks. It hurts too bad. Josh touching my leg makes me flinch and freak out. "I'm s-sorry! P-lease dont-" I say thrashing around not really trying to get up but to get him away.

"S-shut up oli," Josh's voice says cracking a little and sounds sad and not pissed like before. He sniffles and I open my eyes and look at him to see he's looking at my ankle not touching me anymore.

Why is he crying and not screaming or hitting me? My head is spinning and I think I've completely entered a panic or anxiety attack. My heart feels like is skipping beats and it physically hurts. I cough and cover my ears and close my eye. I cant deal with this. I can't run. I'm going to die from a heart attack or something.