I'm Counting Every Lie

37: why

Later I might eat spam so please please spam this

Friday night

Josh's pov

When Oli falls asleep my mind dives into my lonely thoughts and insecurities. Oli seems like a good guy but I know he's either secretly a horrible person or he's to good for me. He's going to leave me.  I'm amazed that he hasn't left me yet.

I'm fat and I'm an asshole. Growing up people always told me I was fat, overweight, and chubby. People told me I should stop eating so I could lose weight. I did start skipping meals but my parents started to notice so I started to eat every meal but throw it up.

I hate my body and development BDD. Body dysmorphia disorder is horrible and makes me do bad things like become bulimic. I've always been insecure about my body but it was around the start of middle school when I started to try to be skinny. After the teacher sexually harassed me I really started to throw up every single meal and cry myself to sleep every night.

Then after Kellin raped me I started to lash out and most of my sadness turns to anger and.. I became a bully.. but.. kellin wouldn't stop messing with me and it hurt.. So I hurt him.  I still hurt him yet he's always trying to get me to be his boyfriend so we can have sex and stuff..

I dont want a boyfriend..

My eyes travel down Oli's body and I blush when I see his hoodie is now on his his letting me have a nice view of his underwear. He's laying on his stomach but his hips are turned a little so his cast can be comfortable.

His underwear are tight and I cant help but look at his ass and his pale flawless legs. Be respectful. I pull down his hoodie making it cover his ass and then pull up the blankets carefully. I lay on my side and put my hand on the small of his back. I want to be touching him thought the night.

Why does this angel feel the need to hurt himself? It physically hurt me when I saw the cuts. I've never had anyone in my life show me selfharm. I dont even think I know anyone who does it. It was so not on my mind that it shocked me so bad. I'm still shocked and very upset about it.

How can someone put a blade to their wrist? I lean over him and look at his face. Yeah, he is sleeping.. I lay back down and rub my face. How can he be comfortable in a bed like this with a walrus next to him. His bed squeaks with ever shift I make.. I'm so heavy.. His steps want to snap in half with my weight..

I'm suffocating in my own skin.. I hate my body so much.. My face gets hot and behind my eyes gets tingly. Why cant my friends like me? Jordan and matt talk bad about me to everyone.. and nobody stops it.. they all think I'm an asshole and I know I am but I hate that. I hate they call me fat or make fun of me for not dating or hooking up with girls.

Tears run off my face but I feel so sad its numb.. Oli turns and then hisses sitting up and then does something to his foot but I dont see because as soon as he wakes up I turn away so he doesn't see me cry. He scoots closer to me and leans over and looks at my face and frowns. "Josh.." he whispers looking upset at me.

I look at him and he makes me lay on my back and he wipes my tears. "You should have woke me up," he says and hugs him and gets comfortable on me.

"Am I to heavy or can I lay on you?" He says.

"You are very light, stupid," I mumble.

"I'm not but why are you crying? You can talk to me," he says. He is light.. Does he think he's someone else than skinny?

"You talk to me first. Why- why do you- your arm," I say not knowing how to word a question. He contemplates something and then rolls up his sleeves and I see he does it on both wrists.. I sit up more and he scoots down and sits up so hes on my thighs as I'm leaning on the wall.

I grab his arms and hold them together as I look at them. The ones on his right arm are faded cuts and scars. The left arm looks fresher but does have older scars too. "I do this.. because.." he looks way and thinks. "Um.. I started because my brother told me too. I still cut because I think I have to. If I stopped I'd do something worse than just hurt myself," he says still not looking at me.

"Like.. k- um ki-" I cant say it..

"Like if I stop everything will build up and I'll kill myself. Yes," he says and my heart breaks. He looks at me and shrugs. I want to kill his brother- wait, he has a brother?

"Why the fuck would someone tell you to hurt yourself? You are fucking amazing," I say mad that someone has been mean to him. He smiles but it looks fake.

"You dont know me, I deserve it," he says and I don't agree. He is amazing.

"No. You deserve so much. I hate this fucking world," I say and he shrugs.

"You asked me a question, it's my turn," he says. I hate questions.. "why where you crying?" He asks and I pout. "I answered a really hard question, you can too," he says. That's true..

"I was thinking about um.. school.. well friends. They all are so fake and make fun of me.. I was also thinking about when I was bullied," I say and he plays with his sleeves.

"Jordan is a bitch, I dont see how you could be his friend even if it is fake," he says and I shrug.

"Its better to have fake friends then nobody," I tell him but he shakes his head.

"No.. I've gone through both. They both suck. What you need is to just have a one or two real friends. I have kellin and you. My mum also helps but I dont count her as a friend," he says.

"I have you now.. I think that's good progress?" I say and he nods a little and shifts. Instantly I realized hes on my lap with no pants on. How did I forget? I wish I was a normal teenager and this could lead to something sexual but I cant.. I'm pretty much Asexual. I'm not really Asexual but I told Oli that so he expects me to not be interested in him sexually.

"I'm sorry for interrupting this conversation-" he pauses and yawns into his hand. "- but I'm falling asleep," he says and scoots down and puts his face on my collarbone. He's do cute. I start rubbing his back and he melts into me.

"Its okay, just sleep. You did cheer me up," I say truthfully. With that we both go to sleep in each other's warmth. His room is cold but his body temperature against mine plus this blanket makes it warm and comfortable.

Thoughts?

Theories?

Tom?

Oli's old family?

Both are opening up a little

Oli?

Josh?