I'm Counting Every Lie

27:

Monday night

Sleeping with another person in my bed is not something I'm use to. Kellin doesn't even stay the nights. To say that I know how to is like saying a cats love water. Like it's not completely shocking if a cat likes water but it's not what they are known for. I'm not known for cuddling and like what you might guess: I've never really cuddle with someone except josh that other time.

Okay my mind doesn't know how to think, bringing up Cats and water was a bad analogy. What I was trying to get as is: help. Dear fucking god, help me.

When I woke up it was like last time. Very comfortable, not as comfortable because this is my bed but you get the point. Confusing but okay. However this time I have a small problem.. okay it's kinda a big problem. Thankfully josh is still asleep and should stay asleep giving that is around 1am.

First step is get away.

His arms are lightly wrapped around me so I very slowly scoot back trying desperately not to wake him up. With my moving around he stirs and then pulls me to him causing my boner to be pressed against his thigh. Help. Even though I haven't been caught yet I feel so embarrassed.

My dream was mostly forgotten when I woke up but I do know it involved Josh. Guys have 3 to 5 erections per night usually so I shouldn't be embarrassed. Just think about that makes my checks glow more, josh has probably got hard- oh brain that's enough.

Josh moves his leg and I die in embarrassment when pleasure goes through my body from it. Josh shuffled around and then he wakes up. He looks at me and then blushes. "C-can you let go?" I whisper and he lets go of me so I turn turn around carefully so I dont hurt my ankle.

I would go hide in the bathroom but walking is rather difficult and I don't want to make this a big deal. He's straight, I'm horny, we are in the same bed, the end. Josh touches my side making me flinch. I wasn't prepared for that I'm not scared of him.

"This isn't weird right? Like, you understand that I just like cuddling. I'm not trying to show mixed signals," he says and I appreciate that he's just trying to make sure we are okay.

"Its not weird. I like cuddling too but you definitely are showing mixed signals. One minute I feel comfortable with you and the next I'm breaking a part of my ankle trying to get away from you. Are you going to be nice to me tomorrow or my bully?" I say and he leans over me and pushes my hair out of my face to look at me.

He goes to say something but stops and flops back on the bed. Go away boner. My bed squeaks as Josh does that. My boner is almost gone so I turn around and watch him. He runs his hand through his hair seeming to be in deep thought.

"I mean I won't bully you but I cant promise I wont be rude. I'm Jordan's friend and he can't know I like you- as a friend," he adds the end because he thinks he has to convince me he's straight. I'm not kellin, I'm not going to try to convince him he's gay.

I guess I can understand.. Jordan will obviously hate josh if he found out that he cuddles with a guy. Platonically or not in that pricks mind its disgusting. I don't like being a dirty little secret but I can handle it for a little while. I hate liars so I'm glad he's being honest right now. He could have said we'll hang out I'm school but then completely ignore me.

"Okay but.. just don't be ashamed of me. You can avoid judgment, that's okay. But you, yourself? Dont do it or just dont bother," I say and he looks at my fan and nods. I painted my fan purple ish pink with dark purple swirls but due to all the light being off except my fairy lights its hard to see the details.

"Don't worry, I'm not. You're actually pretty cool so far," he says. 'Actually pretty cool'? Does that mean he thought I was worse than this? We don't know each other yet but I guess I'm not what he thought I was? I'm not sure.

My ankle hurts so bad but when my mum when today- well yesterday before it's one in the morning- the pharmacy was closed so I'm just on over the counter pain relief but its hardly working.

Shyly I scoot back against him and hide my face in the blankets. I'm cold and he's like a heater, I'd be crazy not to use this opportunity. I always thought sleeping in the same bed as someone would be hard to do because I thought I'd forever be uncomfortable and insecure but right now how I look doesn't matter. 

He's not gay so I already know I dont have a chance with him. To say I'm comfortable with him touching me wouldn't be accurate but I do like it. I use to not believe in the saying 'touch starved' but ever since we first cuddled I've been craving it. While we cuddle I dont feel so numb.

I think this a lot but he smells so good. His hand goes down my side and onto my hip. His touch makes me so giddy and nervous but in almost a good way. This cant be considered straight in his mind can it? He's touching me so.. so.. I dont know I've never really been touched anyway so just this little bit is different.

"Will you be my uh.. friend.. you don't have to but- well I shouldn't even ask-" he starts rambling. That's cute.

"Sure but if you physically hurt me at all even if its because Jordan is there I will never talk to you again," I say. I have a fear of being hurt and this is a way to maybe make sure it doesn't happen. He smiles and hugs me, I hug back and feel strange.

Why was he so nervous for asking to be my friend. I get that people dont really ask that but earn it so maybe he realized how awkward that question was. "I wont hurt you," he says and I hope this isnt a lie. He lies so much that I can't really trust him.

I really want to tell kellin about this but I cant. He would get jealous, try to talk me out of it, or try to use me to get to josh. Josh knows Vic so maybe I could see if I can get him to get Vic to meet kellin. Kellin is really shy but when he meets someone after a little while he's really nice and understanding. He doesn't talk to much unless it's about Crystals, potions, or anything to do with witches and wiccan.

I think because kellin is so shy that's why he's so stuck on josh. If kellin lost his virginity to josh that might be important to him. So of course he wants to be with josh. He probably feels bad about what happened..

Thoughts

Comments

Theories

Kellin

Oli

Josh

He asked to be friends?

Do you think he'll hurt Oli?