I'm Counting Every Lie

12: secrets and lies

Thursday

When we get settled in my room he's sitting on my bed as I sit on my desk chair. The only noise that's present in my room are the birds outside chirping and every once in a while a car driving by. Yet those are outside and can hardly be heard, it's a very awkward silence.

I feel like a fish. Not like a pretty fish by coral or anything, like a mullet swimming in muddy water. Bored, dull, and stupid. I look at josh just as he let's himself fall backpack onto my bed. My bed yelps in pain but he doesn't say anything about it.

My house is so old and gross, he must be so uncomfortable. My mattress is so lumpy and old.. His bright blue eyes are on my ceiling looking at the rough surface. I hate my ceiling, the white things fall off and then I have to vaccum my room. My black carpet doesn't look good with with flakes on it.

He looks at my dresser and eyes it for a moment before looking at me. Oh yeah, I was going to ask him about kellin. "How do you know kellin?" I ask and he  searches my face with his eyes for a moment.

"He was my sister's friend," he says and takes off his jacket leaving him in a flannel shirt. He told his friends he didn't have a sister..? This boy is such a liar. Why does he get to lay on my bed? I want to.

"Why are you civil to him this week but last week he was crying because of something you did or said to him?" I say remembering how not even a week ago kellin came to my house sobbing because this fucker was an asshole to him. Josh sits up and messes with his hair.

"He cried because of me?" He asks seeming unsure.

Yeah and you also made me cry.

I nod with my arms crossed. My shoulder tries to escape from my shirt so I have to fix it. He seems to be confused. Oh god kellins already wearing off on him. I wonder if kellins kids are going to be as confused as he is. Nah he's to gay to have his own kids. Well like produced from him anyway. He probably would be so confused with a girl.

My heart clinches and I feel like crying. My emotions come in title waves. I feel like me and kellin were dating for months and we just broke up. Its heart break that I feel.. I'll never be his friend again will I?

"Does he talk about me?" Josh asks and I shrug.

"He tells me the shit you do to him. Like when you called him fag, when you and your friends said he looked like a ugly girl, all that fucking shit. You are garbage and you have N-no fucking right to talk to k-kellin," I say standing up and raising my voice. My voice quivers pathetically has I feel myself about to cry.

"Kellin g-gets bullied every day and I know it-it's not you every time b-but you dont help. H-he literally the sweetest p-person I've ev-ver met-" tears start flowing down my checks but I need to say this. It's not just kellin I'm talking about. I also get bullied every day. I cant take it.

Josh is looking at me with wide eyes as I cry at him. "What if he kille-ed himself? Y-you know that w-would be a-alot of your fault!? W-what if he slit h-his wrists? H-how would that m-make you feel??" I'm now getting in his space pointing at him accusingly. Why do I have to be this fucking emotional?

He stands up so I try to push him. Swiftly I'm being pushes into my bed and I am furious but tears block my view. I desperately try to attack him but he pins me to the bed to avoid getting hit. So he doesn't get kicked by me he sits on my hips. After a moment of trying to hurt him I realized I'm just so pathetic.

I stop fighting and scowl at him. He looks concern.. this is why I cant be around people when I'm in this mood. "Can I let go or will you try to hurt me?" He says.

"I'll fucking chop off your dick," I threaten because I'm mad at him. He hurt me and kellin. I hurt kellin..

"Then I wont get off," he says being a prink. His cocky expression turns embarrassed? His eyes lower and then I realize my shirt is up enough for you to see some of my ribs and my shoulder  is also exposed. Oh- oh god. He's on me- this looks sexual. He's a hot guy on me what do I do?

My face goes red and he pulls my shirt down and fixes my collar. Embarrassed and shocked I stay still and then close my teary eyes. "S-sorry," he says getting off of me. I scoot back and my shirt falls off my shoulder once again.

"Whatever, just dont touch me," I mumble feeling insecure and confused. It's just because he's an attractive guy okay? I get nervous and giddy at physical contact. I dont like him at all. Why am I trying to convince myself I dont like him? I know I dont like him. 

He clears his throat and then shifts making the bed squeak again. "You wont look good with blonde hair," I say in a rude tone. God, I need to think before talking. The 'badboy' looks at me confused.

"Well yeah, that's why I'm never going to dye it blonde," he says in a duh tone. But in class he said he was.. He is such a liar, literally nothing he says is the truth. 

I hate liars, they are so full of bullshit. I can understand lying for a really good reason but constantly for no reason makes me mad. Most 'vaild' reasons are wrong too. I'll only stand lying if it's to help someone stay out of trouble, or keep their privately. No cheating, or any of that stuff. Is he lying to seem better? I dont understand.

After yelling and then getting embarrassed I feel even more dead. I can't deal with living.. I lay down with my knees almost to my chest and arms bent. The back of my hand is against my soft warm cheek and the palm is touching my pillow. I'm sideways on my bed so I'm far away from josh who is at the foot of my bed.

I'm too tired to care that he's in my room. He looks at my thighs and then my face. Can you not look at my fucking thighs? Do I have to put on pants in my own room to feel comfortable?  "You and kellin are friends, so.. does that mean he's told you his secrets?" He asks.

This fucker thinks I'm going to tell kellins secrets. I wont. He doesn't have any but if he did I wouldn't tell josh them. I narrow my eyes. "Kellin is very open with me," I say and he looks scared? What the fuck is wrong with him.

He thinks about something and relaxes a little. "Hmm.. okay. Is kellin a virgin?" He asks and to many emotions and thoughts flood in. Kellin's name hurts me still. Why the fuck would he want to know if kellin is a virgin? Why would he think I would tell? Kellin is definitely a virgin so why is it even brought up? I feel guilty because I might have took kellin's first kiss as I ruined my first kiss.

I scoff. "Why do you even ask, it's none of your business," I say and he nods.

"Yeah, it isn't," he says and I dont care about him anymore. He can fuck off. I close my eyes and put the pillow over my face.

"Fuck off I'm sleeping," I mumble and he gets comfortable on my bed. Whatever, I'm too sad to argue with him..

So I was going to make last chapter really long but I'm scared I'd delete it so this is an extra chapter but it's not really.

Thoughts on what josh said?

Thoughts on Oli's thoughts?

Heheh Oli has yet to put pants on, I wonder if Josh's straight or if he's dying bc of Oli