I'm Counting Every Lie

23: secrets

Friday

After a little while passes josh gives me my shoe and then starts picking me up. I grab onto him because honestly I dont trust him. He cant drop me if I'm latched on. It's also a bonus because he smells good and is warm.

He carries me bridal style and I feel heavy. Josh is strong and I feel like he can pick me up but its probably annoyed that I weigh so much. If he does decide to drop me than I'm going to hurt my ankle to much more. Please don't hurt me Joshua.

As he walks I can feel exactly where his arms and hands are on me and I hope he doesn't care that I dont have a perfect body. Nobody has a perfect body so I shouldn't be to worried, it's  all just in my mind. Josh likes cooking so if he was gay and nice we still would have problems in our relationship. 

Why am I thinking about this? I dont even want to date him yet I randomly think about it. But I think about stuff like that with every attractive person so I doubt it actually means I like him. If I did like him that doesn't even matter because I wont ever date him.

People with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often experience cognitive distortions such as catastrophic thinking—a tendency to expect the worst to happen without considering other possibilities. Cognitive distortions are extreme, exaggerated thoughts that don't match up with the reality of a situation.

That's something I read earlier  because I looked up 'why do I think of random scenarios constantly' PTSD.. Its possible I have it but I've never been diagnosed so I probably don't have it. People make fun of people who self diagnose themselves and its frustrating. I know some people fake mental illnesses but not everyone does it. Some people can just feel it.

I know I'm depressed or have something very close to it, I'm not a doctor but depressed means very sad (loosely) and I am 'very sad' yes I can laugh and smile but it's not like others. I'm only happy in a moment that's truly funny or heartwarming. If it's not one of those moments I'm either numb or sad. Maybe frustrated at times because I'm so numb.

The window blows on my face so I put my face on his shoulder to protect myself as he Carries me to his car. I know people cry and stuff but I think it's weird that josh was crying behind the school alone. He's a badboy and it's out of character for him to be crying. He looked so miserable..

I open the passenger door because he is holding me and he helps me inside and then closes my door and goes around. When he gets in he starts the car and I kind of want to complain about my ankle but I dont want to because I'm with josh. With kellin we whine to each other almost constantly because both of us are like that. Josh isn't like that and might use it against me.

"Can I ask something?"

He just did by asking that question. I look at him and nod, hopefully it's not to bad or hard of a question. He hasn't left the parking lot yet so he watches me as he thinks of how to word it.

"When I touched your neck the other week, you freaked out and today you freaked out. Are you that scared of me? Do you know that I'm only going to be rude not evil?" He says softly.

Oh..

I blink and think about the question because I dont like lying. What do I tell him? Yes I am that scared of him.. but.. it's not because he is josh franceschi. That is a part but not a big one.

I bite my tongue and look out the window at the still trees. "Something happened a long time ago and I.. i get panic attacks when I think that situation could happen again. So it's not really you but the actions," I say not looking at him at all but I know he's looking at me.

"I can understand that. I- I'm sorry I guess. Like, i dont want you to hate me or get scared I'm just.." he stops and shrugs. "I'm just making sure you know you shouldn't talk to me," he says and I don't understand fully.

He doesn't want me to talk to him so he bullies me? Wait.. that's what he does to kellin. Hm.. so it's not personal? He doesn't hate me because I'm Oli? "Why cant we talk?" I ask timidly. Please dont get mad. He looks at me and then my ankle.

"Dont worry about it. Hospital or your house?" He asks. Oh, good question. I cant move my toes.. um..

"Hospital? Maybe?" I say and he starts driving. I get out my phone and text my mum what happened. Well physically what happened, she doesn't need to know why I feel or how I reacted.

"What happened?" He asks and I know he's talking about what we were talking about. I dont talk about what happened even with kellin or my guardians. I smile but its probably obviously fake because I dont have enough energy to fake it better.

"You're not open with me so would would I be open to you?" I say and he nods a little.

"My sister died. Tell me," he says and I feel caught off guard. His sister died? He looks like he doesn't want to talk about it and I dont want to get him mad.

"My biological dad tried to kill me," I mumble and look out the window. The care becomes quite instantly and I think we are both upset about what we both said.

Was that why he was crying?

Is that why he's so mean?

Thoughts

Josh

Oli

His sister?

Theories?

Oli's parents?