I'm Counting Every Lie

17:⚠️

Saturday

Oli's pov

Warm liquid trickles down my arm slowly. My mind is numb as I watch myself press the cold shinny metal down against my arm and drag it to the right.

At first it's just a white flesh color but then it fills with red. Drops of blood gather in a line but soon drops and follows the other drops. I should be sad or hurt by this but instead I just watch without emotion. Yesterday wasn't horrible or anything, neither was today but I needed this.

I bleeding line on my wrist sting but I dont mind. I deserve this. I'm so numb to pain now, I guess if you are in pain 24/7 it becomes the normal. Each time I slide the blade across my wrist I think about different things.

What if I killed myself?

What if I put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains? That's madness curing sadness.

Theres a knock on my door and I freeze as the ruby red blood drips. "Oli? Are you hungry?" Mum says and I'm so glad I locked my door. Nobody knows about this except tom and kellin.

"No," I say and move my arm and actually get blood on my bed instead of the paper towles. Fuck.

"Okay, kellins here with the new boy," she says. New boy? Oh god, josh. I get up panicked.

"'K I'm changing," I say and wipe my arm smearing all the blood. I rush around my room putting my blade away in my dresser and throwing away the bloddy paper towles. I put my arm under running water and rub my arm trying to clean it off but after I take it out more blood leaks out.

Josh knocks on my door- I can tell because its heavy and loud. Kellin's knocks are really light. "Fuck off," I say putting a new paper towel against my arm. Water and blood seep into the white material.

"Josh and me need to talk," kellin huffs out seeming annoyed. Well fuck off and talk to each other.

"We dont kellin is just being a fucking stupid bitch," josh says and then they start yelling at each other. Once I get my forearm to stop bleeding I put on a long sleeve shirt and the first jacket I see. I look around my room and see the blood of my bed. I take my blanket off and shove it into my closet and then open the door to see them still yelling at each other.

Both look highly upset and mad. "Hes gay!" Kellin shouts at me pointing at josh. Josh said he was straight.

"I'm straight but this fucking ass is going to convince you otherwise," josh says practically yelling at me. Their yelling goes through me and I dont really hear what they say. I'm dizzy..

"Oh my god. You are seeing oli!?" Kellin yells pointing at my jacket. Oh, this is Josh's.  They cant be together if they are going to constantly yell.

"I'm not seeing that faggot, in fucking straight!"

Why the fuck did they come here if they are just going to yell at each other? I get another wave of dizzy feelings so I sit on my bed. Josh called me a faggot.. I roll my eyes.

"Straight!? You think straight guys fuck other guys and then freak out and then turn onto a bully!?" Kellin screams and josh freezes.

Wait..

Kellin stops and they look at each other and then me. They fucked? I thought kellin was 100% in every way. Josh opens his mouth to say something to kellin but nothing comes out. He closes his mouth and swallows hard.

Kellin look surprised at himself and then guilty. Kellin runs out and josh shuts the door and locks it. He slides down my door and puts his face in his knees. Oh.. um.. what do I do? This isn't even my business. My phone dings so I look at it.

Kellin: make him realize he's gay

I dont respond. The situations are irrelevant now, josh is- upset or something. I dont know. I've never seen him upset. I get up I go over to him. I sit next to him and he tilts his head back and hits it on my door and looks at my ceiling. He looks bored.

No.

Numb.

He looks numb and done with everything. "I'll leave in a minute," he says sounding empty and tired.

"I-its fine if you say. Um.. did you- what is kellin to you?" I ask softly and he looks at me and sighs. He looks at his hands and bites his lip.

"We use to be friends. We use to talk. We use to kiss.. I got too drunk and.. yeah, I fucked him but I wasn't thinking. He was in love with me but I didn't know until the next day. After that.. I avoided him.. he wouldn't stop trying to get me back so I decided to make him hate me instead of love me," he says not looking at me. "I'm not gay.. I was curious before but I found out the hard way that I'm straight," he says and I nod a little.

I don't think what he did was right but just because he's stupid doesn't mean he's necessarily a horrible person. "So because kellin loves you he's desperate to get you to be gay?" I say and he nods.

That's not nice or good of kellin. Love makes you think differently though.. josh runs his hand through his brown curls and then looks at my hair. "I think I like it better curly," he says and I feel my eyebrows meet. I straightened my hair today.

"You do?" I ask touching my straight hair.

"Yeah, its more.. you," he says and I blink. Nobody's ever told me I look better naturally. "Can I use your bathroom," he asks. My blanket..

"Y-yeah hold on," I say getting up and almost falling. So dizzy.. I slowly go to the bathroom and get my blanket and fold it in a way you cant see the blood and then put it on my bed. He looks at me weirdly and then goes to my bathroom.

So josh talked to kellin.. fucked him and left.. that's not good but he's human. My arm hurts but I'm glad he's here, I feel less lonely. Who knows how much I would have cut if they didn't interrupt me. The sound of the sink starts and so I dont invade his privacy I get up and go out of my room.

I keep my door shut because I dont want the smell of the house to pollute my room. My mum is cooking but when I walk in she turns to me. "What where they arguing about? Kellin ran out pretty upset," she says and I shrug.

"Just drama, that thought I could help or something," I shrug.

"I'm happy that you are making friends," she says and hugs me.  Josh isnt even my friend and I lost kellin.. I nod anyways and look at what shes cooking. "I made extra so I hope the other one is staying for dinner," she says.

"Josh. And I'll see, he's kinda upset so he might not want to," I say and then go out the kitchen. I climb the steps slowly and go back to my room.

So...

Josh and kellin..

Why would Josh cut it off like that with kellin?

Is he really an asshole?

What do you think about kellin?

Oli..?