I'm Counting Every Lie

9: Chartreuse

Wednesday afternoon

In class I have my forehead pressed against my desk and my arms around my head so nobody can see my face. Kellin isn't here at school and its driving me crazy. I miss him so bad I want to cry. I'm not a crier but right now I'm so close to it. 

"Aww something's wrong with the faggot," Jordan says, his words sink into my soul and slowly seeps its poison into me.

My anxiety is through the roof and art isnt helping. We have to do a report of our favorite artist and ugh. I cant deal with school right now. While my legs bounce I do everything to block out everything but I cant. I'm worried about kellin. The fear of him hating me is strong and my common sense is gone.

"I'm going to dye my hair blonde," Josh's voice says and then they start talking about that instead of make fun of me for being upset. My face feels hot and I've been feeling almost drunk all day and most of yesterday. Like my moods are intensified and I also have a on and off headache.

Kellin replays in my mind and I just need a hug from him. I miss him.. I'm always zoned out thi king of the pretty boy so I'm confused when everyone starts 'ooh'ing and 'aww' ing. "Shut up, it's not funny," josh says aggravated.

I lift my head up and look at the older guy who is wearing black jacket and a ugly green shirt underneath. Thankfully it's hardly showing.

Chartreuse represents enthusiasm, happiness, nature, growth, and youth. Like standard green, chartreuse is associated with the liveliness and the blossoming of spring. Unlike deeper shades of green, chartreuse is rarely associated with calm and relaxation. It’s seen as a highly energetic color and is great for inspiration and motivation. It helps with focus, concentration, and creativity. People who like chartreuse are energetic and creative above all else. Their enthusiasm and positivity make them lovable, and they make friends easily. Chartreuse lovers enjoy challenges and seek adventure. On the negative side, people who gravitate to chartreuse struggle to find balance in their lives. They are caught between the calmness green offers and the excitement of yellow. This struggle can cause them to have high-levels of anxiety.

The color can be seen throughout nature in many different plant species. Some common foods are considered to be chartreuse colored including pears, green apples, pistachios, limes, and avocado flesh. The gemstone tourmaline can be found in the shade of chartreuse. Because it is bright and easy to spot, chartreuse is used for tennis balls, fishing lures, and reflective safety vests.

If it was a dark forst green it would be inviting but my anxiety perks as I see it. Please take of your shirt josh. Like, geez, chartreuse? It does not suit you at all. He looks at me with a glare and then his friends. "Its only because I have to," he says lowering his voice and then he comes over to me and puts his hands on my desk harshly. The act makes me flinch, is he about to hurt me?

"Get the fuck up and come with me," he says and I look at Jordan who's laughing at me. Oh god. I get up hesitantly and he starts leaving the classroom. What? I look at the teacher and she points out the door. I missed something.

Even more confused than how kellin looks I follow josh praying yo a god that doesn't exist that I'll be safe with him. When I catch up with him he looks pissed off. Do I ask what is happening? Will that just upset him more? We turn a corner and then I see kellin.

My love!

Instantly I'm in a better mood and rush over to him and throw myself at him. "Why am I here?" Josh says aggravated.

"I love you kellin," I say at the same time. Kellin hugs me back but then pushes me away.

"You have to help me," kellin says pouting and josh rolls his eyes. Why is kellin dragging out bully into this? This? Whatever it is he needs help with.  Josh runs his fingers through his hair and looks at me like I'm to blame for something.

"Stay here," he says forcefully to me and points at the floor beneath me. I find myself nodding along before he grabs kellins upper sleeve and focus him into the boys bathroom. I hit the back of my head into some lockers behind me and covering my face with my long sleeves.

The hallways echo with the loud noise of my head colliding with flimsy metal. School is so hard. Both physically and emotionally. After a little while they come back and josh looks really to kill me.

Oh no

What did I do?

He stomps over to me and I want to run but the lockers prevent it. By the time I realise he's to close it's to late and his mouth is on mine. I pull back hitting my head on the lockers once more but this time on accident. I gasp and he wipes his mouth and glares at kellin.

"Thank you," kellin says and hands him money. What? Both looks at me and I feel dizzy. Did josh just kiss me? I blink feeling even more dizzy. Josh kissed me? Did I kiss back? No? I just pulled back and hit my head. Is that why I'm dizzy?

"Do you love me?" Kellin asks and I almost say yes and confess my love but I freeze. Wait..

I look him up and down seeing my bestfriend. I.. I dont love him? I blink. But I did love him.. my mind hurt as I look at kellin. "You.. you let me believe I was in love with you?" I say feeling betrayed. 

Kellin shifts his weight as he holds his hands behind himself. "I'm really sorry," he whispers and I feel my heart shatter. I really thought I found the one.. I thought I was so in love. That I had a soulmate.. In my mind me and kellin could have gotten married. He looks at josh and then back to me.

He's nervous and can't make eye contact with me. Tears pool to my eyes. I feel used. "W-why did he kiss m-me? Another trick?" I choke on my words trying not to sob as I talk to kellin pointing at josh.

Josh looks around and then at me. "Just go home, text or something but leave me out of it," josh says about to leave.

"Josh.. dont go. Help me, I dont know how to make him understand," kellin says sounding like he's about to cry. I'm so mad and sad that tears are flowing and I'm about to lose my cool. Why is he about to cry?

Josh looks at both of us and sighs. "Okay. Fuck it. You're mad and upset because you drank a love potion (without his consent) and the potion did its job, right?" He snaps at me and I feel stupid. It was my fault.. More tears fall from my cheek to the ground and my throat tightens.

Like an idoit I open my mouths to defend myself but no sound Comes out. I'm showing to many emotions. I wipe my tears and close my stupid mouth. Josh's impatient pissed of look turns softer and I feel like I'm about to really really cry. Not just tears.

Kellin steps forward looking like he's about to hug me so I step back and then turn around.

I cant do this.

I run away from them as my brain starts to remember things I couldn't realise were happening the last 24 hours. First, josh franceschi (a person who I hate) kissed me. Second, he fixed up my knees and palms. Third, kellin did kiss back- oh my god. Wait. I lost my first kiss?

I go into a bathroom that nobody come in and lock the main door before going to the cleanest spot and sinking down the wall. Hugging my knees I think about how stupid I am. How weak I am..

I honestly believed that I was in love with kellin. Even after knowing that I drank a love potion. I've never felt that feeling before and I dont think I can handle it. I was obsessed with kellin. I- I even touched myself with the thought of him in my mind.. I'm so gross.

Whimpers and quite sobs leave my thoat and mouth as I cry alone in the bathroom.