I'm Counting Every Lie

33: I know that you touch yourself

Wednesday

Josh carries me down the stairs and his father walks in and smiles when he sees us. "H-he uh, hurt his ankle," josh stutters like he's scared to be judged or something. His father nods and holds up metal hangers.

"That's unfortunate but at least he's in good hands. Oh and after dinner I'll have these ready for marshmallows," he says in a friendly tone. Both of his parents seem too good to be true. Maybe its because I grew up with a bad family and house that all this seems unreal.

I complain about my house and point out the flaws but it's so much better than the house and family I started with. Josh's place remains me of coraline. Like, the other dimension that is so much better and happier. While I think about this I remember a thing I read about how 'the other mother' and 'it' are the same monster.

Josh sets me down at the big shinny wooden table and I whisper a thank you. He nods and goes into the open kitchen and puts on oven mittens and gets something out of the oven. I love that I have a good view.  I watch him finish cooking and then he call out to his parents to tell them its ready.

The come sit down at the table and josh serves us plates. It's some fancy dish with healthy looking things.. okay I have no idea what it is but it looks good. My stomach and mind doesn't want it but my tongue does. The parents talk about the food and I look at josh to see how he's doing. He looks nervous and uncomfortable but not sad like before. He sits across from me and I notice how me and josh have the same amount of food.

We both have less than his parents but it's still way too much. "He's so amazing at cooking- totally wrecks the kitchen but it's worth it," his mum chimes in. Josh's cheeks go red and I look over everyone. Maybe I was wrong.. they look like a family.

Since everyone is eating I eat slowly and with small bites. I play with my food to not draw attention to the inactive movement on my plate. "Wow.. you really can cook," I say because it really is yummy. Josh smiles a real smile at looks happy.

Even though I have to eat its really not as bad as I thought. Theres not too much talking but it's not full if awkward silences. Oh- wait. Was I supposed to introduce myself? It's to late for that.. do the consider me rude?

None of my guardians has even been good at socializing so I dont really know these things. The worry leaves when they start talking about sonic. I don't know how they got on the subject but I chime in and I feel apart of this dinner and not just an unwelcomed guest.

Dinner goes by smooth and I ate half of my dinner and everyone else ate mostly all of their food. I feel uncomfortable in my stomach but I can deal with it, I haven't ate today so I shouldn't be dreading on it. I eat one meal a day and maybe a snack in front of people to make sure they know I eat.

His mum takes our plates and then josh comes over to my side. "Did you actually like it or was it too salty?" He asks seeming shy.

"It was good, better than anything my mum or I have cooked- dont let my mum know I said that," I blush and he smiles. He picks me up so I grab on to him and he takes me into the living room that has big black leather couches and a warm fire.

He sets me down and sits next to me. "When do you want to go home? I know it's a school night but maybe you could spend the night?" He says and my face heats up. He wants to stay with me even though I upset him?

"Yeah, that would be cool," I say and he smiles. His dad comes on and we then start roasting marshmallows putting them on chocolate and gramcrackers. The smores we make are delicious and I actually have fun eating them with josh.

"I'll be right back," josh says and Josh's mum looks upset. The two grown up hug and I feel awkward. They tell me Goodnight and then go to their room and I sit on the comfortable couch and watch the fire.

I sometimes miss my biological family but that's gone. I should forget about them. Food makes me sleepy.. I rest my cheek on the arm rest and watch the fire. Fire consumes, warms, and illuminates, but can also bring pain and death; thus, its symbolic meaning varies wildly, depending upon the context of its use. Many cultures view it as a symbol of wisdom and knowledge.

I want to go and lay in the fire and go to sleep... my thoughts merge together but when gravity is telling me I'm falling or flying I snap away and see josh is picking me up. I tiredly wrap my arms around his neck and put my face into his shoulder. He smells minty.

"You're adorable," he mumbles and I feel myself fall back asleep. Yet I'm jerked awake yet again when I'm being set down into a bed. I look at josh and relaxe, he carried me to bed.. that's so nice. He gets in bed and I cuddle up to him wanting to fall back asleep.

He wraps his arms around me and sighs. "Can I trust you?" He asks softly. Seeing Josh's nice side is fun but seeing him vulnerable is.. I have so much more respect for him.

"Yes. I'm trustworthy," I say putting my hand over his that's on my chest. His elbow is close to my hip making his arm like a seat belt securing me to him.

"Okay.. well.. I'm Asexual. But in school I just say I'm straight because to people like Jordan if I dont date only girls its gross and I'll be classified as gay and I'm not. I don't like any gender sexually," he mumbles into my back. I want to ask if something happened to make him Asexual but I know that it's none of my business and he opened up some so I should just be happy with what I got.

"People always assume the weirdest things. Like, I once thought I was a sexual and someone I knew thought I couldn't feel pleasure or touch myself- that lead off weird but uh, I just, wanted to say that I know about how that stuff works so your brain can be at peace because it uh knows that I know that you touch yourse- omg I dont know why I cant stop embarrassing myself or even stop talking because I have to explain-" he chuckles and puts his hand over my mouth.

My checks burn as I feel so embarrassed. "Yeah, I do touch myself. But I dont like kissing or doing stuff with people except cuddling and even with cuddling the person has to be worthy in my mind," he says and my face gets hotter. Am I really worthy to him?

"So will you be my cuddle partner? If you agree you're not allowing to 'get freaky' with anyone else," he says bringing up what my mum said. I giggle and turn around in his arms.

"That sounds fun, I'd love it," I say and cuddle closer to his warm body smilingly. He puts his face on my shoulder and rubs my back a little. I think I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what he does. It's for emergencies but maybe being lonely is an emergency enough.

Does this mean we are more than friends? Is to consider dating just not sexually? I need to clear this up but I'll do it over text tomorrow or another day but right now I just want to enjoy this. I relax into him and close my eyes. He's so relaxing to be with when he's like this.

Thoughts

Theories

Observations about the story?

Josh?

Oli?

Josh is Asexual?

Cuddle partners... ;)