Ion Heart

Chapter 6: It's Been a Long, Long Time

According to Steve, we have one more stop to make. I follow him down a hallway, towards the sound of voices talking. It reminds me of a school corridor, one I went down a long time ago. Before Ion Girl, before Iron Man. I hope one day, I am able to roam the halls again. 

When we reach the class, I realise why we are here. Sam, whom we met yesterday, stands at the front whilst groups of people sit and listen to a woman. Her voice is soft, sad, as she talks about something I can only attribute as post dramatic distress. I look up at Steve. He understands her pain. After all, this is a support group for war veterans. It's deep, emotional and a trauma only a few can understand. Steve approaches Sam at the end. I trail quietly behind him, feeling out of place in this unknown world. 

'Well if it isn't the running man and agent girl.' Sam smiles.

'We caught the last few minutes.' Steve replies. 'It's pretty intense'. 

I nod slowly in agreement. 

'Yeah we all got the same problems: guilt, regret...' Sam's voice trails off at the end. It is not the humorous tone I remember. Now it's serious, remorseful. 

'Did you lose someone?' Steve asks.

'Yeah, my wingman.' Sam sighs, looking down at his feet. 'Nothing I could do. It was like I was there to watch.' 

Steve's eyes gloss over. I wonder if he's thinking about Bucky. Both soldiers share the same pain; a pain of being haunted by the person they couldn't save. It's a feeling I don't understand. 

Steve asks Sam if he is happy now that he's back in the world and away from the army. Sam replies that he is, and I think the smile on his face proves it. But the answer appears to puzzle Steve. I can tell that he's thinking of something, a life he doesn't have. I know that look because I wear it all the time. The dream that there must be something better out there, but knowing deep down it's a future you'll never have. Sam seems to notice this and asks Steve if he would ever leave. In a fleeting moment I see the response on his face but it leaves as soon as it came. 

'I don't know. I don't know what I would do with myself if I did.' 

'Ultimate fighting?' Sam jokes and, for a second, Steve finally smiles. 'But seriously, you could do whatever you wanted to do. What makes you happy?'

'I don't know.' Steve answers, his eyes falling to the floor. 

The sad thing is, I know Cap doesn't have much. Just his work. I wish I could make him happy but there's no magical remote I can press. Today I've stepped into Steve's world. I've seen his past and now his present. It has reminded me what a hero he was, and still is. I now know how much he lost, how much he gave up. It gives me a newfound respect for the solider... and it makes me feel guilty for betraying him.

'What about you Agent? When you thinking of retiring?' Sam laughs. It snaps me back into reality

'Soon hopefully.' I laugh back. But my mind says otherwise. No matter how much I want out, I know I won't be going home any time soon. Three days I tell myself. Three days. 

Steve takes me back to his house. It's getting late and I can feel myself falling asleep on the bike. Now I think about it, I haven't slept in over forty eight hours. Steve pulls up outside and locks his bike. As it turns out, Steve doesn't live in a house. He lives in a flat. And the lift is broken. And I have to walk up three flights of stairs. 

'Stop laughing at my misery.' I snap. I'm not in the mood. It's been a long day and I want to sleep.

We finally make it to the correct floor. A woman in a nursing uniform steps out of her flat, carrying laundry and speaking to someone on the phone. Steve's about to unlock the door but she turns around. He smiles at her.