After Everything 1

Chapter 2 "New life "

23 August 2020

After several months had passed... after a whole year had passed to be specific, it was time for me to go back to school, but because we couldn't stay in that house and town, we moved to Washington and I had to go on the WSU campus to finish my studies.

The new school didn't mean anything to me because after Emma's death everything seemed black and white and meaningless to me. I never cried or screamed because I had already grieved too many times and now I knew how hard it would be to grieve over and over again. So I decided not to cry or scream anymore because when I finally accepted that my only sister was gone, I shut down all of my emotions. It was easier and less painful this way.
However, sometimes... Sometimes, I'd just lie on my bed and stare at the wall, thinking about Emma, trying to remember what it felt like to talk to her. To hug her. She always held onto me so tightly, holding on for dear life and never wanting to let go ever again. She wasn't just my sister. She was also my protector.

I missed those moments, the memories were still fresh in my mind every time I closed my eyes. But I was better than before. I was able to control myself. I could move past the pain of loosing her and I was ready to be alone and live without anyone's constant worry.

After two days school was going to start and I still hadn't gone to the campus because I really didn't want to, but my mom kept insisting. I didn't know why she wanted me to go to school so badly... Maybe because she wanted me to feel better? Or maybe she was worried about me? Either way I didn't really care why I needed to go but I agreed just so I could be alone there and no one would disturb me.

One day later...

Today it's the last day at home and the time was already 8 am and I hadn't gotten out of bed yet, and to tell the truth, I didn't want to get up. I didn't even want to think of getting dressed and going somewhere . I didn't want to do anything. I just laid there and stared at the ceiling. My head was pounding and I just wanted to sleep... but no, I couldn't sleep.
No matter how much my body ached and throbbed with pain, nothing would make me sleep because Emma keeps torturing me in my dreams. In the morning I would wake up crying from a nightmare where she died again or the same dream happened a second time but worse... Emma died for real this time. Her lifeless body lying right next to mine as her dead eyes staring at me... it was scary, so I would wake up screaming.

I didn't want to wake up like that because I didn't want my parents to find out that their only daughter suffered nightmares. They would ask questions and try to comfort me, which would make me feel worse because I hate pitying looks.
As I'm thinking to spend the rest of the day just laying in bed and reading a book, someone knocks on the door, and a soft voice comes from outside.

"Honey? Are you awake?"
My mother's voice.

"Mia, can I come in?" Mom asks from outside my room.

"Yeah, mom sure. Come in."
She walks inside and sits on the edge of my bed, smiling gently.

"What are you doing still in your bed?"
My mom asks me.

"I'm just tired mom."
Mom sighs, looking sad.

"I'm fine mom. Don't worry." I reassure her and she hugs me and kisses my forehead while I hug her tightly.

"Alright honey, if you say so.
Now get up quickly and get ready because we're going to drive you to college and your father is waiting for you in the living room. He wants to talk about something with you. " She says.

"I really don't want to go mom, there is no meaning in all this fucked up thing. "

"Miaa we've talked about this, you are going to college because you're already registered. End of this story, and how many times do I have to tell you not to use these kind of words."

"Okay, okay! Fine.
If I don't have another choice." I say in a low voice.

"That's my girl." She says with a smile on her face and stands up and leaves my room, closing the door behind her, leaving me in my room.
As I sit there, listening to her footsteps fade away then after one minute I get up and decide to have a shower.
I don't know how long I spent showering but after the water runs out I decided to get out of the shower and get dressed.

As I finish dressing, doing my hair and make up, for one moment I stay still in front of the mirror and look at my reflection which I no longer know.
In front of me was no longer that confident girl in herself, the one who did everything perfectly and made everyone around her feel happy, but now she had been replaced by a girl with piercings and tattoos on her body just because she was pissed at the world.
«The girl in the mirror was just a rude girl who made everyone around her to feel bad.»

When I finally finish getting ready I start packing everything that I need up then I go downstairs to talk to my dad.

"Hey, dad.
Good morning. Why did you wanted to talk to me, is something wrong?" I say with a worried voice.

For a moment he doesn't answer but just stares at me with an unreadable facial expression.

"No sweetheart. Nothing isn't wrong it's just I'm still not used with your new look, and I want you to stop blaming yourself for what happened to... "

"Noo!" I shout.
Don't say that! It was my fault.
I could save her if I hadn't been so weak and as for my new look, this is me now.
I don't expect anyone to like me, because I already hate myself."
And before he says another word, I get out of the house and run to the car.

After some minutes pass, I see mom and dad coming toward me, and just to avoid any further conversation I grab my EarPods and start listening to music then I close my eyes just to take a nap while dad is driving to campus.