Gazing in the Mirror

February 21 - Ignoring Inner Guidance

You can't stop the waves,
but you can learn to surf.
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

...life is an unfoldment and
must necessarily culminate in
a victory...by overcoming our
limited beliefs while here ...
by recognizing the Father within.
~ Ernest Holmes

All week I watched the weather forecast for Thursday and I did not like what I was seeing – a high probability of an ice storm. I didn't really want to make my trip to St Louis. But I had postponed the follow-up with my Internist three times already (due entirely to the prolonged nature of my family's six week journey shared in these essays and a lack of desire on my part for the two hour drive coming so quickly the week following our return). During my hike on Monday it occurred to me that I should try to push the appointment forward to Wednesday to avoid the forecasted weather. Yeah, me and hundreds of other patients it would seem for there were no openings for that day. I was stuck or I would have to postpone it yet again to further in the future. I really just wanted to get this appointment over with.

I talked about it frequently with my husband. I tried to reassure myself that I was capable of driving in such weather. I still remembered one trip home in the last year when it was all my husband could do to keep our car on the road for the slant of the state highway for better drainage meant as we traveled gravity tended towards pulling us off the road on one side. Even with such misgivings I remained resolute that I would just go and get it done. Encouraging that perspective was the reality that there were several other reasons for making that trip which had piled up on me. So my "need" to go made the choice for me because I found the idea of waiting until the following week, which was my oldest son's birthday, unacceptable as an alternative.

At the end of my yoga class on Wed night the text messages started coming in. An ICE alert was causing the cancellation of school attendance for the children of that area. It was my intention to get home early. I would forgo any of the weekly shopping I usually do in that town for the trip to St Louis where my selections are of a higher quality, even though some items that are of the same brand and quality can be higher in price there. Then I was delayed for almost an hour when I discovered that aspects of my smart phone (data access) were not functioning. Though the tech tried many different fixes, which all required that I stay put and not begin the drive home, she failed to resolve the issue for me.

When I arrived home we chose to watch Charles Dickens' David Copperfield from a dvd we had purchased at the end of the family journey. I kept thinking I needed to get my nightly chores done for I have to rise early and be on the road by 8am at the latest but I watched the whole 2 hours of it anyway. My dread of the following day continued. The weather forecast had not improved. My husband suggested that if it "looked bad" out there in the morning, I should just cancel my plans anyway. I doubted the day after that, Friday, would be any better and I still felt constrained that the following week would not be a good alternative which might make the postponement longer – or I would have to crowd my current errands into my oldest son's 12th birthday celebrations.

When I woke it was clear and dry even though the weather forecast had not changed. I left a few minutes early. I was grateful to get off the local state highway and onto divided highway without a storm even beginning. As I drove northward however, I began to see streaks coming down from the clouds to my west signaling that some kind of precipitation was beginning. At about the halfway point in my 80 mile drive north to St Louis I began to encounter freezing rain and icy roads. I could sense that my Suburban would lose traction on uphill slopes. I was cautious and driving slower but I still did not feel fearful. It was reassuring to me that the vehicle was remaining under control.

When I arrived at the St Louis City Limits, suddenly the precipitation stopped and the roads were dry and clear. I was an hour early for my doctor's appointment and so I was able to squeeze in one of my other errands beforehand. About a half hour after arriving in St Louis the precipitation began there – it was snow and sleet – and it was so heavy that it quickly covered the roadways and was often white-out conditions. Traffic crept along at 10-20 miles per hour and the snowplows could not keep up with the density of falling slush. Remembering the ice falling in the southward direction of my home and being in the midst of difficult road conditions in the city, I began to question whether it was wise to hold rigidly to my belief that if I could get into the city, I could get back home that same night. (to be continued in tomorrow's essay)

~ perspective

I have learned to pay attention
to what I am sensing inside, even
though I may choose to ignore it,
most of the time I find that it
is not merely some fear but real
guidance.
I always know that I am provided
with whatever I need each and
every moment.
I am willing to step into difficult
situations with the confidence acquired
by many similar situations over a
lifetime proving I am capable of
what Life demands.
I am never rigidly attached to any
plan of action and know that Life is
ever changing and that my Life will
adjust to any changes that I make
in my own plans.
I always feel safe and secure and
I always feel the companionship of
Spirit wherever I am.

#change #choice #conflict #decisions #delays #fear #ice #technology #travel #weather