Gazing in the Mirror

January 12 - It Really Is OK To Say "No"

...there are often many things
we feel we should do that, in fact,
we don't really have to do.
Getting to the point where we can
tell the difference is a major milestone
in the simplification process.
~ Elaine St. James,
from Living the Simple Life:
A Guide to Scaling Down and
Enjoying More

The language of resistance is pain,
but nonresistance finds the harmony
of the universe and swings into its
motion, going with the stream of
power which nourishes and protects.
~ Ernest Holmes

In seeking an opinion from a trusted friend recently, her response was simple and elegant – "Just say 'No'." That caused me to reflect upon why it isn't really so easy to do that. Another friend suggested to me a source in my childhood. That I can easily see. We are programmed and trained not to say "no". "Stop doing that." – "No". "Do this" – "No". I believe that my sense of harmony is related to cooperation which isn't generally well served by saying "no". "No" is one of the first handful of words all babies hear as they begin learning language. It is VERY deep within us – the disappointment, the displeasure, the punishment. Yet my heart would understand a harmony with being able to say "no" that has no fear and does not resist but calmly expresses self-awareness.

About 4 years ago after attending a spiritual conference in Chicago, I got a book by Cheryl Richardson entitled "The Art of Extreme Self-Care" and put together a little study group of my sister, my daughter, a local friend and an online friend. I gifted each of these with a book or cd depending on whatever I thought might be most useful to the individual. I did this as a birthday gift for my sister but also to commit my own self to getting through the material in one year's time (there were conveniently 12 chapters). The title of our third month's study was "Let Me Disappoint You". Most of us don't like to hurt or disappoint others. It's an uncomfortable thing to do. We don't want to feel guilty. Our fear of conflict and desire to keep the peace keep us from telling the truth. Most of us also want people to like us and we feel extremely uncomfortable when they don't. Richardson told us – "One of the harsh realities about practicing extreme self-care is that you must learn to manage the anxiety that arises when other people are disappointed, angry or hurt – and they will be. When you decide to break your pattern of self-sacrifice and deprivation, you will need to start saying 'no', setting limits and putting boundaries in place to protect your time, energy and emotional needs."

So, one would think that I would have learned something about saying "no" 4 years ago. But no, I didn't learn to clearly say "no" even with a whole month devoted to practicing it. After my most recent experience of being reminded of the value and relative harmlessness of saying "no" and indeed it is perhaps easier to get situations over with quickly by becoming proficient at saying it than it is to dance all around the issue trying to make a point that could more easily be made by simply saying that word – "no".

I have been studying Non-Violent Communication for some time now – at times more diligently than at other times. Actually I now perceive it as simply a life-long "practice" in the crucible of Life. In the training course narrated by Marshall Rosenberg, I came to a place coincidentally during this same period of time as I was re-learning this lesson about saying "no". Rosenberg admits that it can seem hard to say "no" in a way that is in harmony with Non-Violent Communication. Before we can say "no" we should make it clear to the other person that we have received their request as a gift. The gift is an opportunity for us to contribute to someone else's well-being. Rosenberg admits however that "no" is a poor expression of a need. What is the "need" that keeps you from doing what another person wants you to do at this moment ? NVC suggests that we can offer a substitute request from our own perspective. Find another way that the other person can get their need met. This allows the other person to feel understood. Our own request is a negotiation for getting the needs of both parties met.

In the training audio made by Marshall Rosenberg for teaching Non-Violent Communication he realizes that – to whatever degree many people carry within themselves memories of times when they did not do what other people wanted and were criticized, guilted, blamed or punished. This makes it hard to trust that a request is only that and not a demand. It is very important to present requests to other people and not make demands of them. When we hear a demand, it takes most of the joy out of doing "whatever" away from us by taking our autonomy from us. The natural reaction is resistance rather than cooperation. Most of us have grown up in the presence of authority figures who have said to us at one time or another – "you either do this or else." Most of us have experienced parents who even if "requesting" something nicely with a "please" have caused us to learn that if we don't do it we will be blamed or punished. So with NVC it is suggested that it is better to tell people what we do want (positive language – "would you be willing ?"). And although Rosenberg believes that it is not generally effective to tell people what we don't want, he does feel that it would be better if we waited to express that until after saying first what we do want.

It is quite clear to me now that saying "no" to other people is a universally difficult skill to master and that for many of us, even as adults we still must work at getting proficient or else avoid doing so by hiding away from a need to do so. Deng Ming-Dao shares a concept from The Classic of Rites comparing human characteristics to the pine or cypress tree. This part jumped out at me personally – "This is how noble persons behave with propriety, harmonizing with outsiders and have no conflict with anyone in their inner circles." I can't claim that and I must wonder if that "lack of conflict" is achieved by carefully choosing associates who agree with us or staying out of the way of strong personalities or simply carefully avoiding any possibility of conflict to begin with. But at what price do we make such choices ?

~ perspective

Maybe if I smile sweetly as I gently
say "no" it will be received more readily.
I want to learn that I do not need to
justify my choice to say "no" and I'm
certain there will be some test, probably
many tests, to learn that.
I look forward to expanding my ability
to say "yes" with a sense of truly meaning
it by becoming more comfortable saying "no"
when I feel that is my honest answer.
I want to be able to say "no" from
a place of love – and I want to be able to
say yes or no – authentically.
I need to quit compromising my own self
by not saying "no" when everything within
me offers guidance that I should.

#anxiety #avoidance #boundaries #conflict #cooperation #demands #disappointment #fear #harmony #peace