Gazing in the Mirror

January 22 - Where Does The Time Go ?

How did it get
so late so soon ?
~ Dr Seuss

It is a solace to the mind
when we come to understand
that all human limitation, from
the standpoint of the Divinity
within us, is unnecessary.
~ Ernest Holmes

I remember when not so very long ago it always seemed that there was plenty of time and Life did not seem to me to move so fast. I don't think the cause is aging. Remember that I just said "not so very long ago". What were days like then ? I woke when I was ready. My work load never seemed heavy. I could devote a whole day, usually Sat or Sun, to cleaning our home. I could spend whole afternoons digging around in our garden or taking a drive through the local countryside with my husband. Life was pleasant and it was never really all that intense even though we didn't have a lot of money and worked very hard trying to encourage our business to grow. We devoted time to local community interests, for example to our local historical society and to the sheltered workshop for disabled citizens in our county.

And our business did grow (peaking at about 33 times more in sales than my earliest days here – though that fell back to half, and then to only 20% of that since the economic contraction that began in 2008 through the end of 2019). And the complexity of our lives has definitely increased with email and online activities. Our responsibilities have also definitely increased with the addition of children (which we didn't have in those early slow days) and the responsibilities I took upon myself in regard to online communities (which are active 24/7 but which I can tailor to my own personal time conveniences – at least most of the time that is possible). Our responsibilities related to property increased when we inherited my in-law's portion of the land that now comprises our farm. Each and every thing we have added to our lives takes additional amounts of our time and attention. Even my beloved yoga class takes time from my life – an hour for my session plus an hour round trip for the drive plus the grocery shopping I usually do in the larger town north of us, where choices are more abundant. But I did regularly drive that far for groceries before my children were born, so that normal wifely responsibility really hasn't changed all that much – though more mouths to feed does increase the complexity of that task.

Along the way from the slow days to the days of overwhelm, responsibilities in the form of my in-laws dying and babies to be cared for, my husband acquired for me a half-day, weekly housekeeper. I never considered that more than a luxury. I never thought of it as a necessity, though I certainly considered it a blessing which I was not going to turn down. When the economy caused our personal finances to tighten, we cut the housekeeper to twice a month and I really didn't mind. Eventually, even more tightening of finances caused me to give her up all together. Since the kids have gotten older, I really don't need that kind of assistance anymore, even though I consider myself a lousy housekeeper.

It is a challenge for me still to keep the towels and sheets washed regularly and kitchen and bathroom floors mopped as well as the bathroom fixtures cleaned. However I feel that we enjoy a good enough basic level of enough cleanliness. My husband does the carpet vacuuming. I can attend to all of my necessary chores in about two day's time. I have also discovered that I can manage the entire aquarium work by myself alone (my housekeeper always pitched in to help me with that and keep me on a regular schedule). Our housekeeper was someone to blame when stuff couldn't be found. I have found that I can now live without the extra help. I can manage to fit the additional work in somehow.

Each day I awake with some idea of creating a balance among all the competing demands for my time – some to online community, some to revenue generating business, some to the kids and the long-term security of our farm. I used to be so overwhelmed that I hardly had any time left for my husband and children. Now I am able to get great pleasure in being able to give each of them more of that closeness that connecting with one another yields. Giving my attention no longer feels like yet one more burden. Finding that I now have time to do the housework is surprisingly reassuring for me, letting me know that I now have a bit more space in my life. Things that were necessary – when my in-laws were alive or the children were younger – have passed away with change and time.  I even have as much as 4 hours every afternoon to do what I have wanted to do all my life - write.

Often the Life that happens to me is not actually a part of my own plan at the beginning of any given day. Sometimes I must accept that what I had hoped to accomplish remains undone at the end of the day. This continues to be the truth but I try not to stress about it. I do wonder sometimes, where all that time went that I thought I had to fill at the beginning of the day. Sometimes my day just seems to rush by and although I'd love to be able to say that I was consciously wasting time because I had that luxury.  I know that I'm active every moment of every day because some activity seemed to need me to do it. I keep looking and reassessing those activities to find ones that maybe did not actually need "me" as much as I have thought they did. It may even be that someday I will find that yearned for lackadaisical place where time seems to stretch out comfortably and be only lightly filled with any demands.  Will I be so old by then that I don't see it as much of a blessing ?  Time will tell.

~ perspective

Time itself changes nothing, it is
simply a convenience, the passage of
which is subjective to the way we
choose to live our life and any change
comes because we have made it so.
Time is a very misleading thing, one
can't make any more or less of it
but there really is no past and no future,
just memories and plans.
Sometimes I think about what life was
like for people who lived long ago or even
just 50 years ago and try to imagine
similarly different ways of living in the
future 50 years from now.
I know that I change with time, not only
my body structure though certainly that –
more about how my understandings and
beliefs do change from one time in my
life to another.
Time really is an illusion created by
the placement of our planet, Earth,
in alignment with the Sun and Moon,
it is a contrivance of human beings
for human purposes.

#acceptance #attention #balance #chores #community #demands #family #housekeeping #leisure #service