Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

26. Happiness

“Do you want to meet him?” I ask carefully. As much as Zayn may be delighted that Hazza basically gave his approval, I’m not quite sure if Zayn wants to meet Hazza, and vice versa.

“Who?”

“Who do you think? The Queen of England course!” I say sarcastically.

“The Queen? Nah I’m not a big fan of the Royal family.” Zayn replies teasingly. “No, I would like to meet Hazza… I think.” He slightly frowns.

“I would love for you to meet him.” I smile at him. I’m not going to tell him that I’m scared shitless of them meeting each other. Today is not a day of worry. Today is a day of happiness.

Zayn slightly moves until his leg is brushing mine. He turns his head towards me.

He sighs with a sad expression. “I’m sorry.”

Without him having to tell where he is sorry for, I know what this is about. He is sorry for not doing the same thing. For not telling his friends about us.

“Hey.” I say as I tilt his chin up to meet my eyes again. I move towards him until I’m just a few inches away. “I know you’re trying and I’m really thankful.” I know how much he is trying, like when he introduced me to his family. I know he tries, but he needs to take it slow, one step at a time. He once told me that some of his friends suspect he is gay, but it’s something they never speak about. It’s a secret and it’s supposed to be like that. It’s something that has to be kept silent. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to be in such a position. To know that who you are is something your religion, your culture and your friends, don’t want to acknowledge, don’t agree with.

I briefly smile at him before I give him a lingering kiss on the lips.

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Yesterday I decided not to go to school (surprisingly with permission of my mum) and instead I visited Hazza after he was done with his lecture. It was good to see Hazza again and to feel him in my arms again. We hugged each other for a long time, just as last time. It’s like we needed to be together, feel each other. He sighed in my embrace and somehow it felt a bit sad. I ignored that feeling, wanted everything to be okay again. So we did what we do most of our times spent together; watch a movie on his beanbag with his cat and cuddle together. Although I wanted everything to be normal, it didn't feel like that. Things are still a bit odd between us and that is extremely weird. Never have I felt unfamiliar when it comes to Hazza. Never did it feel weird. Yes I know that in the eyes of other people our relationship is bizarre, but we honestly don't care. We knew what we were and it felt right. It felt wonderful. It felt as if we belonged there, just how things were.

But as much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, things have changed. The fight is still in the back of our minds. And probably more importantly things really do have changed; I have a boyfriend and Hazza knows about it. Somehow it does change us. It’s not really that something has happened; it was a feeling that lingered in the room. An awkward, painful feeling.

I basically knew this was going to happen and I hate it. I hate that it has to affect the relationship I have with Hazza, but I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the fact that things are different now. Somehow, unspoken, we have to make new rules and new ways of interacting and being with each other.

As much as I don’t want to change things, I know we will be okay. I still have my Hazza and I can finally be with Zayn without feeling guilty. This is not the perfect way that I hoped for everything to work out, but this is reality. And as much as that hurts sometimes, it’s also very wonderful.

And today I finally went to school again, but I wasn't able to concentrate. All I wanted to do is touch Zayn. That isn’t something new, but the big difference today was that Zayn couldn't concentrate either. He couldn't keep his hands of me and instead of paying attention to the teachers in front of us he kept glancing at me. Looking at me with so much desire it made me wanted to ravish him right there. I wanted to jump on his lap, kiss him violently. Groping his body and grinding myself against him. Luckily I could control my thirst at school and mainly kept it at teasing him.