Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

35. Exams

Days pass. Sometimes it feels like the days go by in a flash and other times it feels like time stands still.

Whenever I think about Zayn it feels like the clock is ticking without moving. But whenever I think about my exams the time suddenly goes extremely fast; growing closer and closer towards my exams even though I’m not even remotely ready. Tomorrow I’ll have my first official exam. The nerves run through my body, making me feel nauseous. The relax vibe and the ‘it-will-be-alright’ kind of attitude I had this year when it comes to school is completely gone. It’s so bloody close now. Only one day, or to be precise: thirteen hours and four minutes, and I’m about to start my first three-hour exam English.

Besides my stress about the exams and all the moments that I think of Zayn, I also feel stress about my future. I personally don’t want to think about it but my parents have persuaded me to look for schools after I graduate. My mother keeps pushing me and giving me ideas for appropriate schools. I know she means well and she only tries to help, but frankly I can’t have that right now. I already have so many things to worry about. And I don’t even know if I want to go to college. It will probably be like high school: everyone will hate me from the get go. They will think I’m a racist and they will not even give me a chance. I don’t want to go through another few years of hell. I want to be free. Besides, after my poor attempts of learning for the last couple of weeks I doubt I’ll graduate. Meaning: I need to survive another year at this god-forsaken school.

Right now I have the choice to bust my ass off for tomorrow’s exam or I can go to Hazza. The choice is rather easy.

-----

“I’ll be there in a jiffy, just need to make a phone call for school.”

I nod as I automatically go upstairs to his room. I sit down on his beanbag and grab Dusty, putting him on my lap. He struggles for a moment, until he finds a comfortable position on my lap. As I pet him I hear loud purring sounds.

“You are such a sweet cat, such a beautiful cat,” I say in an extremely high-pitched and childish voice, making him spin even faster and louder.

“Ready,” Hazza says as he plops down next to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“Shall we watch a movie?” I propose.

Hazza nods and turns around to look at me. “You look better,” he states with a relieved smile.

“Well apart from my stomach that is flipping from nerves, I do feel better.” It’s true, I do feel better. I can now be with Hazza without constantly thinking about Zayn. I’m still not a ray of sunshine, but I do notice a difference within me. I still think about Zayn all the time, but it hurts less. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore, or feel completely shattered. I still miss him and am still in love with him, but I finally learnt to accept it.

Beforehand I had mixed feeling about yearning for Zayn so deeply. Did I make the wrong choice? How could I say that I loved Hazza so much and wanted to be with him when I still had doubts about my decision?

Now I realize that it’s normal that I still have feelings for Zayn. Such strong feelings don’t just go away. That doesn’t mean I made the wrong choice, it only means I feel so much love for Zayn. It also doesn’t change the love that I feel for Hazza. It doesn’t make it less real or less strong. I love Hazza so dearly. The love I feel for Hazza is unique. Loving someone else doesn’t change that.

“I’m so happy to see you feel better,” Hazza says with so much tenderness, resting his hand on my knee.

-----

The rest of the day we basically pretend to watch a silly romantic movie, but mostly just talk, cuddle and have fun together.

That’s the beauty with Hazza. Besides everything he is also my best friend. We can chill and laugh together without having to worry about anything. It’s just so comfortable, so easy. ‘He is at ease’ as Zayn wrote in his diary… ouch.