Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

25. Love Hurts

I’m lying in my bed, crying loudly. My heart feels shattered, broken. My chest never felt so tight, so painful. I feel like I am gasping for air, like there is almost no air in my lungs.
It’s been hours after my terrible fight with Hazza but I still haven’t stopped crying. My chest hurts from all the crying, but I’m just not able to stop. I feel suffocated, but at the same time lost, without Hazza.

Normally whenever I sort of feel like this, I would have Hazza to comfort me. But right now it’s Hazza who did this. And that’s more than I can cope with. It hurts within the deepest of my heart. It pains me so much that I physically feel ill. I literally can’t breathe without him.

It’s just… I’m so shattered and heartbroken. Have I really lost Hazza? I don’t even want to think about that for a brief moment, knowing it will make me stop breathing. I know I haven’t lost him. I simply just can’t. I can’t lose my Hazza. I’ll do anything to have him back, even after he scared the shit out of me.

I was so freaking terrified of Hazza after he threw something at the wall and stared at me with pure anger in his eyes, just thinking back about that moment makes me want to cry even harder. It’s like I’m reliving that moment again. That moment I felt like Hazza didn’t love me anymore. As if we didn’t belong anymore.

I scream it out in panic, frustration and in pain. I don’t know what to do to make this pain go away. I feel so hopeless. I need my Hazza.

When I barged into the house after the fight with Hazza, my mother instantly knew something was wrong. She quickly called Tom over to her so I could have my peace. If I was in my right mind at that time I would have thanked her. Instead I just ran to my room, smashed the door shut and lay down in utter panic. I immediately started crying again, sobbing loudly.

After I don’t know for how long my mum carefully opened my door and sat down next to me. At first she just rubbed her hand along my back. Normally it would have calmed me down, but this time it didn’t work. I was in such a bad state and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

Things became even worse when she said her common caring words ‘oh honey’. I don’t know what happened, but it was like those words set me off. All of a sudden I screamed out in utter desperation. My body shook like it had never done before. I moved around restless in my bed, from one position to another. I was clasping the sheets, throwing the sheets of me, sitting down, crying, screaming and even laughing. It was a tangle of emotions and movements. My chest was rising, my heartbeat was out of control and my muscles were tensed. It was like I wasn’t there anymore. It was like something had grasped me and took control over me. I couldn’t control my emotions, my body and even my breath. It was incredible overwhelming and terrifying. It was like I became a maniac. I truly felt crazy and my father had to come in to pin me down. He hugged me extremely tight, more like he was suffocating me, to calm me down. After a while it helped. I was still crying and shaking, but my muscles slightly relaxed, my heartbeat evened out and I could finally breathe again.

When I was almost completely in control of myself my father left the room and let me and my mother talk. Well mainly she just hugged me and comforted me. I wasn’t ready to talk, I couldn’t talk.

So after a while she decided to leave me alone, but before she closed my door she told me that Zayn had called me. I felt the panic rising in my chest again. I didn’t want to speak to Zayn and I still don’t want to talk to him and I definitely don’t want to see him. I can’t bear it right now. I’m incredible furious at Zayn. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have this fight with Hazza. If it wasn’t for Zayn all these problems wouldn’t have been here. Deep down I know that it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to accuse Zayn of this, but right now I’m not able to think rational. I’m too heartbroken.