Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

21. Apologies & forgiveness

It’s the day after the party and I’m fucking exhausted. I never had such an emotional day with that much mixed emotions. I was a freaking emotional mess, even though that isn’t something new these days.

After a lot of persuasion on my side Hazza finally left my house. I didn't want him to leave, because like always I’m very needy when it comes to Hazza. But I knew he had to study and as much as I hated it I needed some time alone. He will always choose me before everything else and I can’t let him do that. Not after everything I did to him.

Yesterday I was the most honest I have been since a long time, but I still haven’t really told him anything. Or at least not about Zayn. I could see in his eyes that he still had so many questions. Hazza is no fool, he knows something is up. I tried to reassure him that everything is okay. I don’t think it really worked, but at least I tried. When I was trying to reassure him that everything is okay and that there is nothing going on, I also was trying to reassure myself. I was trying to make me believe my own words, but of course that didn’t help. I’m still fucking confused.

Hazza didn't make it any better. I’m still at a loss about how he sees us. Does he think we are in a relationship? Or are we friends with benefits? I think that he doesn't even know it himself, because he doesn't care. Before I met Zayn I felt the same. I honestly don't care what we were or how people saw us because I was happy. I was happy and content with the way things were. But then I met Zayn and he turned my world upside down. Suddenly everything changed. I became very aware, thanks to my father and mostly Zayn, of my supposedly weird friendship with Hazza. Zayn instantly hated the relationship I had with Hazza. I always tried to defend my relationship, because for me it was very normal. But as time grew and things between Zayn and me got more serious I felt more and more confused. And guilty. Zayn really changed my life for the better ánd the worse. Never have I met someone that crawls under my skin like Zayn does. I never been so furious with anyone in my life, but I also have never felt so alive.

After Hazza finally left my house, sadly still with a frown on his face, I looked at my phone to see if Zayn had tried to contact me. I was seriously nervous to look and I felt a battle within me. A big part of me prayed that Zayn didn't try to contact me. I hoped it so much just so that I could forget about him and move on with my life. With Hazza.

But there also was a part of me, bigger than I will ever admit, that wanted him. That despite the fact that Zayn has shattered me, I still wanted him to contact me. I still want him.

When I finally had built up the courage to check my phone, I saw that Zayn did try to contact me. In that instant, when I didn't think about the consequences, I felt so much relieve in my bones. He had left me over 40 messages and called me at least 15 times. The messages basically all had the same memo: I’m so sorry.

I was so relieved. Mostly because I think that it would have hurt me so much more if he would just go on with his life without a fight. I think that would hurt the most, because I still want him. I want him to fight for me and I want to lose that fight and give in.

But as much as I want to forgive him – and believe me, I want to forgive him so badly and run to him – I know I shouldn’t.

Why? Yeah even partly because of the party. It made me feel like I can’t count on him when we have plans. But the biggest part is that he didn't even try to tell his family about me. He is so ashamed of us. He doesn't want me to exist in his world outside of school. A part of me really tries to understand it from his perspective because of his religion, but most of times I’m just so upset and angry. He told me himself that although in his culture and religion homosexuality ‘doesn't exist’, that his parents are rather unconventional. That is what pissed me off. He could have at least said something, but instead he chose to be quiet.