Counting Minutes | Gay MxM |

53. Day By Day

"I smell bad, don't I...?" I muttered.

"I guess we both do," he chuckled. I tried to smile, but I knew it must've looked awful. Blake stepped right in front of me, and carefully brushed his hand through my hair. "How are you feeling?"

I rested my head on his shoulder, pressing my eyes shut. I couldn't hear the familiar ticking anywhere...

"Weak," I muttered. "Sick... Tired... Anxious... Scared to death..."

Blake hugged me gently, and I felt his lips brushing against my temple. "I wish I could take all those bad feelings away..." he whispered. "You don't deserve any of this..."

His words gave me a reason to smile. I hugged him back, focusing on his strong build and warm arms around me. I didn't even care about the bad odor surrounding us.

We managed to take a shower together, and for me, it felt like a huge accomplishment. I had to admit that washing my hair and scrubbing my whole body clean did feel good and refreshing. It gave me hope and a little bit of energy as well – it was the first time I had taken a shower without counting seconds, after all. I wasn't in any rush to get out either... I didn't need to stare at the clock to make sure I made it on time... I was struggling to avoid looking towards the place where the clock should've been since every time I saw the spot empty my breathing grew short, but... maybe I was getting used to it already. Seeing it empty. At least I hoped I was...

Still, I could feel my strength fading as I was drying my hair. The idea of walking into the living room started to feel more like climbing a mountain. The irrational fear of something bad happening started taking over, and I couldn't even look at the door anymore. My heart was beating faster inside my chest. The air felt heavy all of a sudden, and before I knew it, I was crying.

"That's enough for one day," Blake muttered soothingly, wrapped my towel around me, and scooped me up in his arms. I buried my head against his neck, trying to keep myself calm, but I was losing the battle. "Everything is all right, my love..."

I wanted to believe him, but my head refused to listen. Soon, I could feel the sheets under myself. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug and telling me to take deep breaths. I kept crying uncontrollably, gasping for air, and hating myself for being such a weak freak.

At that moment, it felt like the end of the world.

But I pulled through.

*****

The bed became my safe space. It was relatively easy to stay calm and have positive thoughts as long as I was in the bedroom. Since I was also starting to feel extremely bad for Blake, I asked him to start taking breaks. From me. He was reluctant at first, but when he noticed I was able to spend a few moments alone here and there, he stopped making a fuss about it every time he went to make food for us or use the bathroom. He even left the third floor a few times to catch up with my Mom or just to stretch his legs.

It clearly helped with his head. I could tell he was scared and worried because of me, and he clearly wasn't sure if we were doing the right thing, but little by little, saw his attitude changing. He became cheerier and calmer and more positive as well, and I had to admit, it was rubbing off on me. It was like we both could finally see that this was really happening – that this wasn't just a scary step I had decided to take on a whim.

This was me recovering from my worst obsession. I still had a long way to go, but it was happening.

All of a sudden, the first week was behind us. I was sitting on my bed, leaning against the wall and staring at the sky outside. The snow was gone, nature was starting to wake up, and the warm wind blew in through an open window.