Counting Minutes | Gay MxM |

52. I Want

"If you won't do it, I will," Jordan said, and I turned to look at him again.

"Why do you want to do it? It's too soon," I said. I had to speak up my mind.

"I don't need them anymore," he said shortly.

"What?"

He sat up and turned to look at me, tousling his hair. "I'm done with myself, and this stupid life I have. I know things are getting awful, but I'm just... I'm so done. I need you to take care of me, and I know that's too much to ask, but this needs to stop. It's all in my head, after all."

"You mean...?" I asked, sitting up as well.

"I mean that I'm not going to follow my daily plan any longer," he said.

We both just sat there in complete silence, staring at each other. I was beyond worried and shocked, to say the least.

I tried to let his words sink in, but it was a lot to process. He was being dead serious, and I knew we'd end up fighting if I tried to make him change his mind... "What will happen if you don't get out of the bed when the alarm isn't there to go off?" I asked, trying to think rationally.

"I might freak out at first," he spoke slowly. "I need to take meds to stay calm, but they don't work as well as I'd hope. I'll be anxious and restless for the rest of the day and I can't focus on anything. I might not eat at all... So, I hope you'll help me out... You know, make sure I eat and use the toilet... and... try to keep me calm..."

I placed my hand on his. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked.

"I am," he said without hesitation. "Please – go throw them out."

"You do realize what you're asking?" I asked quietly.

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I have to do this," he said softly. "I know I'll be in good hands if you're here with me."

"You're asking me to watch you suffer," I said, trying not to let him hear my fear.

"No... I won't suffer if you're here next to me," he said softly. "It's going to be a rough couple of days, but I know we can make it. Together."

I shook my head, wanting to tell him this idea was too much. Things could get so, so wrong if we did it...

"Last time I missed the entire day, I stayed in my bed. I went to get some food and I read a book," Jordan spoke. "I was anxious, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle."

"But now you're asking me to throw out your clocks–" I tried to speak, but he interrupted me.

"Blake – I've already made up my mind. You don't have to do this with me, but I wish you will," he said.

I stared at him for a long time. Then, slowly, I turned to look at the alarm clock. If those were the only two options I had... I stood up and placed my hand on the clock. I turned to look at Jordan, who looked away.

"Do it quick," he whispered, like what I was about to do would be painful for him.

I turned to look at the clock. It was twelve minutes past six. For a second, I felt numb. I couldn't believe I was actually going to do it. We needed much more time. Weeks, maybe months... These clocks had been his rulers for years. His whole life was dictated by time. I hated them just as much as he did, but... How bad things would get once the clocks were gone?

Removing the clocks wouldn't hurt him physically, but there was no way to tell what it would do to his mental health. He had grown so much, and come so far in his journey to recovery... what if this ruined everything?