Counting Minutes | Gay MxM |

44. Losing Hair

"Just keep breathing, love," Blake told me.

He let me down on the bed, but I didn't let go of him. I knew that if I let go of him, I would panic. He knew that, I guess, because he lay down right next to me, and pulled me tightly against his chest.

"You're doing so well, baby," he whispered in my ear, placing his hand on the back of my neck. "Just breathe, all right?"

I nodded against his chest. I could feel the ends of my locks tickling my shoulders and back, and I nearly lost my control when I thought about what it meant. My hair was gone...

"No, no, no..." Blake uttered soothingly when I tried to get up, feeling even more panicky and sick all of a sudden. Blake tightened his hold on me, muttering soothing words in my ear while I gasped for air, returning back under his shielding arm.

I had no idea how long it took until the worst part was over. Blake held me patiently while I tried to get a grip of myself, never really succeeding in it. I didn't want to think about what we just did, but it was all I could think of. The braid wouldn't be there anymore if I tried to grab it. There was no going back anymore. It would take years and years and years before it would grow back.

I regretted it with everything I got. I cried my eyes out because I hated myself so much for getting rid of it. This was the worst thing I had done after Blake appeared in my life. This time I nearly lost it. My hair was part of me... And now it was gone.

How could I do such a thing...?

After what felt like days, I finally felt like I had no more tears to shed. Breathing became easier as well. Blake was still holding me. He kept caressing my back and shoulders, speaking only a few words now and then.

"It's gone..." I croaked and sniffed hard. "I can't..."

"You did the right thing," Blake murmured. "Your life is now a bit easier."

"How is this easier?" I asked a bit harshly.

"It will be," he just replied. "We knew this would happen. Do you remember what you said earlier today?"

I stopped to think back to that moment when I still had my braid attached to me.

"I said I can't wait to get rid of it... But I was wrong..." I sniffed, but thinking about that moment gave me a little bit of strength.

"No, you weren't wrong. You knew exactly what you wanted," Blake continued. "Remember?"

"No..." I muttered.

"I see..." he breathed out. "You said you can't wait to not braid it all the time, and that it was in a bad condition, and that you wanted a nice haircut..."

He continued talking about the good things losing my hair meant. I focused on his voice, keeping my eyes closed. He kept brushing his hand through my hair... It was a nice feeling actually... He had never done that before because I always had the damn hair in a braid...

...And before I knew it, it was morning. I opened my eyes, trying to remember the moment I had fallen asleep. Blake was right in front of me. He was still holding me.

And then I saw a strand of my hair between us on the pillow. My first thought was that it was supposed to be in a braid... It was still long enough to be braided, but... I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, holding onto Blake tightly.

"Good morning..." he murmured in my ear, and hugged me tightly.

"Please move it away – I don't want to see it," I whispered.

"Sure," he muttered, and started brushing my strands back while I focused on the warmth of his hand.

"I don't think I can..." I started to speak, but I had to stop to take a breath. "It's too much..."