Counting Minutes | Gay MxM |

19. First Touch

I turned my attention back to my yogurt. I could talk with Blake once I finished eating. It was that simple. No rewards, no failures. After I was done eating, I could talk to him, that's it.

So, I ate. It took me almost fifteen minutes to do so, but it was still better than normally. When I finished, I felt victorious, but I was in too much of a hurry to focus on that. I put the can away and hurried to the intercom in my living room.

"Blake? Are you there?" I called him, and soon he answered.

"Hey! Did you eat already?"

"I did!" I said, and for the first time ever, I felt really proud of it.

"That's great! What did you eat?"

"Yogurt. What have you been doing?"

"Nothing much. I also had breakfast and was reading the newspaper when you called," Blake said. "How are you feeling? And please don't ignore me, I want to know if there's something bothering you."

"I'm not ignoring you," I said quietly. "I'm fine – really."

"You missed your schedule, so I'm guessing you're not fine," he said slowly. "Your mom is really worried about you."

"She worries too much. I'm not at my best, but I'm not freaking out either."

"That's good," he said, turning silent for a moment, and when he continued, his voice was hesitant. "Can I ask... What do you usually do when you miss your schedule?"

I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it, but he did deserve an answer. "I try to concentrate on eating and using the toilet. That's about it. In the evening, when this gets a little easier to bear, I usually try to read something," I told him.

"It gets easier in the evening?" he repeated.

"Yeah. I guess I get used to the situation a little," I explained.

"Uh-huh. How does it work when you miss something? When are you allowed to do things again?"

"In the next morning when I wake up. Then I can start all over again," I told him.

"Have you ever thought about not starting it all over again?" he asked.

"I have to!" I said sharply. "That's not an option!"

"Why not? If you get used to the situation after a while, why do you need to start all over?"

"You... That's not... No! You don't understand! I feel better in the evening because I know it's going to be morning soon, and I can start all over again!" I spoke angrily.

"Oh – all right. Sorry, this is all new to me," he said apologetically. "I didn't want to make you angry."

I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Even hearing such things made me anxious. "Just don't say that ever again," I eventually said. "It makes everything a lot worse for me if you do."

"I'm really sorry, and I promise I won't say it again," Blake hurried to say.

"Good, because this is hard enough for me as it is," I sighed.

"I know," he said in a sad voice.

There was a short pause of silence between us before I managed to calm myself down. "It's weird to talk with you like this," I said, and heard a chuckle coming from the other end.

"Yeah. I'm still not quite used to being indoors," he said.

"Is it that bad to have a roof over your head?" I asked.

"I'm feeling a little claustrophobic," he admitted. "Like I'm trapped or something."

"I can relate," I muttered, looking outside. "I'm scared of small places. That's why my walls are made of glass."