Viciously in Love

Twenty eight.

I miss those moments.

Now that I know I won't go home for a while, I miss them even more. I miss that small restaurant I grew up in. I miss tacking the same orders to the same customers all over again. I miss Lucca. I miss my mother. And my father.

I didn't even realize I started crying until the couch is gets closer to me and Kelly grabs me by the shoulders shaking me, and looking at me worried.

I try to stop myself from crying but in vain. With every teardrop, I miss my family more and more. I want to scream, I want to run and I want to disappear. All at the same time. The pain - both mental and physical - is overwhelming me. Everything hurts again. I can't breathe and I can't see anything because of my tears.

"Nicole..."

   It hurts. Damn it! It still hurts!

"Nicole!"

   Jake shows up in front of me, out of nowhere, and I hug him. Why the fuck does it still hurts? And why does it hurt so bad?

"It's ok. I'm here." he whispers to me.

   *

   "Are you sure you're ok?" he asks me for the tenth time.

"Yes, Jake. I'm fine now. Thank you." I mumble between my teeth. He's starting to be annoying.

I pass by him and leave the bathroom, entering the girls' locker room where Kelly, Sophie, Alex and Nate are waiting for me worried.

"Oh my God!" Kelly says coming to me and hugging me. "I thought you won't come out of that bathroom alive. What the hell just happened?" she asks almost yelling.

"Nothing. I..."

"Don't lie to us, Nicole. That wasn't nothing." Nate says behind her.

I turn around to look at Jake and ask for his help.

"It's your decision." he raises his shoulders.

I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what's coming.

"It's a long story." I mumble looking at each one of them.

"We have time." Kelly says.

"You should sit down." I tell her.

"Just tell us already." she raises her voice.

"I'm sick." I yell to cover her. "I have Lupus."

Kelly covers her mouth with her hand and sighs. Nate looks at me confused and so does Alex while Sophie looks at me shocked.

"That's a really bad joke..." she punctuates her words.

"It's not a joke, Kelly. I found out a week ago. That's why I didn't come to school."

"A week? You've known for a week? Why didn't you tell us?"

"Why would I do that?" I yell covering her voice again. "What would any of you have done?"

"We would've been there for you, dumbass." Nate says finally.

"No, thank you!" I yell making every single one of them frown. "I wasn't going to tell you at all. You have no idea what a week I had. I didnt need you there, next to me, while I was at my lowest moments. I didn't need you to be there because I was a burden, to everybody around me. I didn't want to add more names on the list with people that I've hurt with this fantastic news. You have no idea what a horrible week it has been. Mrs Warren cried every single time she saw me. My parents texted me every five minutes and called me two seconds later if I didn't answer them. And Jake... Jake lived the worst week of his life with me. He was there for me, sometimes day and night. He wiped my tears away, feeded me and he shoved all those fucking pills down my throat when I was sick of them. Everybody was hurt. Me including. I did you a favor by not telling you... and myself too. Everytime I saw or heard someone cry I had a breakdown. Liz just took a few steps back and focused on my medical situation and my parents hung up the phone the second things started going down, but Jake... Jake shove everything down so he can help me. He locked himself in his room so he can cry in the middle of the night... I did you a favor. Or what? You wanted that? You wanted to be sorry for me? You didn't. Trust me. It's enough that I brought these people in. I couldn't handle you too."

I take deep breaths and I wipe my tears all over again.

I sit down in the bench feeling like I can't breath. Again. Like I'm reliving everything that happened to me in the past week.

"Fuck all of that. We're your friends Nicole. We'll always be by your side. No matter what."