The Desperate Marriage

Loving The Monster

(Kabanata 21)

--->> Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate.

- G. K. Chesterton-

**

Zea POV

"Where have you been?"

Isang mabagsik at nagpipigil sa galit nitong tanong nang madatnan ko siya ngayong tanghali.

Sinadya kong late ng umuwi para hindi kami magkita at nagtataka akong naabutan ko pa siya ng ganitong oras. Sa apartment ni Carla ako natulog kagabi. Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Lucky ay doon ako nagpahatid kay Carla. Ayoko ko kasing makita ang pagmumukha niya.

I rolled my eyes. Kelan pa siya nakialam? Tuloy-tuloy lang ako papuntang kwarto at hindi siya pinansin.

Bigla niyang hinablot ang braso ko at mahigpit na hinawakan ito. Namamaga pa ang mga mata ko at puyat pa kagabi, wala na ako sa tamang huwisyo. Sinalubong ko ang nag-aalab niyang mga mata. Tinitigan niya ako at may kung anong pag-aalalang gumuhit sa mga mata nito. Pero agad din nitong iniiwas at tumingin sa ibang deriksyon.

"Since when do you care, my dear husband?"

I mocked at mapait na ngumiti. Binitiwan niya ang braso ko at may kinuha sa maliit na table na isang newspaper at pabagsak nitong inilagay sa kamay ko.

"Take a look at this."

Saglit akong natigilan at binasa ang front page. Nagulat ako na isang maling balita ang naglalaman ng dyaryong yon. There's a pictures of me crying walking in the street, drinking with my friends in a bar. And then what makes me shock is the news that I've had a boylet, na may kabit ako at niloloko ko daw ang isang mayaman kong asawa. The pictures that Lucky and I, walking on the baywalk last night. We were caught by those paparazzis. And delivered it to Manila bulletin news.

"Explain it to me, Zea. How the news ads got that photos? Ganyan ka na ba kababa ngayon, huh? Was it true?"

Gumagalaw ang bawat kalamnan nito habang nagsasalita. Itinapon ko ang newspaper sa harapan niya. The hell I care with that freaking news!

"True or not. I have nothing to explain it to you, Nathaniel. Isipin nyo na kung ano ang gusto nyong isipin. Wala na akong pakialam."

Pagkatapos kong sabihin ang bagay na yon ay agad ns akong tumalikod. Ang kapal ng mukha niya pagkatapos niya akong saktan, umaasta pa siyang galit ngayon at paratangan ako ng mga bagay na hindi ko ginawa.

"So wala kang pakialam kahit masira ang pangalan ng pamilya mo? Most of all the political career of your Dad. Is that so?"

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. I almost forgot that I'm the daughter of running senatorial Edward Chiongbian. I close my eyes tightly at frustrated akong nagwalk out.

I took my phone dahil naiwan ko ito sa kwarto kagabi. I have hundred plus of missed calls and thirty messages.

Tiningnan ko ang mga ito isa-isa.

30 missed calls from Dad.

43 from Mom,

And lastly Jamie, 68 missed calls.

I'm just wondering why he called me. I sighed. Tinawagan ko si Mommy. Ayokong pati sila at madadamay sa pangyayari. Next week na yata ang botohan at ayokong maapektuhan ang career ni Dad.

Galit na galit si Dad na sininghalan ako. Sinabi ko sa kanila ang totoo. Na magkaibigan talaga kami ni Lucky. I never told them what's the real score between us with my husband. Basta I cleared to them na wala akong ginagawang masama. Those parties that I've been is a normal for socializing with my friends.

Gagawa daw sila ng paraan na magbigay pahayag si Lucky to defend the chismiss na kumakalat sa news. Besides, the family Manzania don't want to involve the issue too. May family business din silang inaalagaan.

Maayos din ang lahat. As Dad promised, with just a snap of his fingers mawawala ang issue at lalabas ang katotohanan.

***

Desperada.

Wala akong pakialam kung yon ang tawag niya sa akin. As long as hindi ko naman dinudumihan ang pagkatao ko. At ang pangalan niya bilang Zamora.

I did a lot of partying together with Carla. And those so-called friends (elite celebrieties) that I've just met during this times. I've always been into sobber but not drunk. I have to manage myself. And I don't wanna go home as midnight as he is. I always have curfew hours. Not early but not that too much late like he always did to me. I'm avoiding those gossips and I make sure na lageng nasa lugar lang ang paggala ko. Gusto ko meron paring natitirang desiplina sa sarili. It seems that I'm on a stage of teenagers affairs. Hindi ko rin naman kasi naranasan ang maging ganito kalaya sa mga ginagawa like having good time with my friends noong kabataan ko pa. Dad will always have his worries noon. Kaya kadalasan tumatakas si ate para lang makapagliwaliw. Because I'm a good girl, obedient daughter to my parents lage lang akong nasa bahay.

I'm aloof with people dahil tahimik ako. Natatakot karamihan ang mga suitors ko dahil feeling nila freak akong babae. And I never want the world like ate's circles, her friends and best companions with a booty and liberated acts is one my hates. Pero now, I realize that life is not just always like being good. I mean, yung mag-aral, magtrabaho sa offices, facing the daily routines. Then met your meant to be, dating and throwing those puppy eyes look while having on their tag lines 'I love you' and 'I miss you' or whatsoever those endearments, blah blah.. And then got engaged, after a long preparations, kasal na. And happy ever after. I thought ganun lang kasimple ang buhay. But it never was.

Like us, I haven't feel those kilig moments, HHWW or holding hands while walking with my husband. Not even once. Instead of feeling bitter, why not having time with my friends. Laugh, mingle and bond with them is the best way to forget those pain and regrets.

The crappy things about was, after you drunk and lose yourself on the dancefloor with those damn errotic music on the background, and you've got to be alone after awhile. Facing the reality, drawn yourself in frustration and it never replace the hurt you've been through.

Hangover lang din ang magiging kalabasan ng lahat. Problema parin. I felt so alone. Even Carla, didn't know how to handle me sometimes. I've always cried with the bottle of champagne and keeps on shouting why I'm hurting like this and thrown those regrets in the air.

I'm fvcking crazy. So crazy.

I hug myself alone.

"Zea, halika na. Ihahatid na kita."

Naiiyak na pakiusap ni Carla sa akin. Kanina pa ako nakaupo dito sa gilid ng pinto ng kanyang apartment. Nakaupo ako sa sahig..at yakap yakap ang sarili. I'm crying helplessly.

"Carla, its not me. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. I'm devastated. I'm losing myself. Please.. I don't know what to do anymore."

I begged while crying in my palm. Hindi pa naman ako lasing. Pero narealize ko na walang papupuntahan ang pagrerebelde ko dahil wala parin siyang pakialam.

He don't even watched me as he'd go during his works. Andami ko ng efforts na nagagawa para sa kanya but still he don't like me.

"Zea, ikaw lang din ang makaktulong sa sarili mo. Bumangon ka. Ipakita mo sa kanyang nagkamali siya ng taong sinasaktan. Kaya mo yan, please.."

Wala sa sariling tumango-tango ako habang umiiyak. Naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. Hindi dapat ako ganito. Hindi dapat. Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at inaalo.

I'm still loving the monster!

Shet lang talaga! And I wanna start a new with myself. Yong totoong ako. And then, let go. Tama si Carla. Walang ibang makakatulong sa akin kundi ang sarili lamang.

Useless lang din ang lahat ng ito. Susubukan kong ibalik ang dating ako.

***please VOTE if you like the story**

THANKS FOR READING. :)