Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

21. Apologies & forgiveness

Apart from all of this, is of course Hazza. I shouldn't forgive Zayn for what he did, because of Hazza. Hazza is always there for me and we just got intimate with each other. And except the utter guilt I felt, I felt wonderful. It felt like I belonged there. That Hazza is how it was supposed to be. Where I’m supposed to be.

I’m just so fucking scared for school tomorrow, when I have to face Zayn. Even though I know I shouldn’t be with him, I know I can be weak when it comes to Zayn. After all, some parts of me still long for him and want him. Despite everything I’m still in love.

I’m scared that if I see him that I will forgive him.

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As I arrive at school I’m dreading this day like no day before. It feels even worse than my first day of school and that is saying something. I try to act normal and even a bit nonchalant as I walk inside the school. In my mind I repeat ‘don’t talk to Zayn, don’t forgive him’. But like every other thing that I plan, of course my plan could only fail.

“Louis!” Zayn screams as he runs towards me. “Please talk to me!” He begs, partly out of breath.

“No.” I say steadily and I keep walking in a normal pace. ‘Don’t look at him; you know you will give in when you look at his gorgeous face.’

“Please.” He gently takes my wrist and my body reacts automatically. I shiver from his delicate, but still firm hand wrapped around my wrist. As much as I want to suppress it, it feels nice. Goddammit!

“Please.” He begs again.

I constantly repeat ‘no’ in my head, but that only lasts for like five whole seconds. I’m just so pathetic!

“Okay.” I sigh and I let him lead me to a quiet place.

When we arrive in a more secluded part of our school I finally look at him. He looks stressed, but beautiful as ever.

He still has his hand wrapped around my wrist and with his thumb he softly strokes my skin. “I’m so sorry Louis. I want to change things.” Zayn says with so much regret in his voice.

I can’t ignore his voice, his pleads. His words fill my heart with warmth. Fuck this! I want to tell him to piss off. I want to tell him again and again how much he has hurt me. But I can’t. God, I’m so frustrated with myself.

“One minute you are this gigantic asshole and the next minute you are kissing me and making me feel like… like.” I can’t finish my sentence.

“Like what?”

I’m not able to speak, I’m scared what will come out of my mouth.

“Like what Louis?” He asks again. His voice low and persistent.

“Like I’ve never felt before. OKAY?” I yell desperately. “But I can’t, I can’t do this!”

“I know I’ve hurt you-“ Zayn begins but I interrupt him. “Yes you did, you really did. You didn't even tried to talk to your parents! You are so ashamed of us! Do you have any idea how many times I’m with Hazza and I want to tell him about you! I want the world to know about us, but I’m scared okay? I’m scared of losing Hazza.” And that my friend, is everything. The thought of losing Hazza is too terrifying to even think about. Just saying it out loud makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed right in my heart. That is what hurt the most. I can handle anything, anything but losing Hazza. How can Zayn expect me to tell Hazza if he can’t even tell his own parents? He can’t even tell them we are friends… and no matter how in love I am, it is not something worth losing Hazza over.

The realization just hit me, as I screamed the words in panic. I’ve known it for a while, but I finally am able to really admit it. The reason why I haven’t told Hazza is because I’m scared of losing him. The thing is, as long as I keep my relationship with Zayn a secret I don’t really have anything to worry about it. I know that I can always fall back on Hazza. Like I did after the huge fight Zayn and I had. If something happens between Zayn and me, I can just crawl back to Hazza.

Saying it like this makes me feel ashamed. It sounds like Hazza is my second option, my safety when everything else falls apart. However it’s so much more than that. He is so much more than that.

But what will happen if he knows about Zayn? Will he still be here the way he is there for me now? Because let’s face it I can’t live without Hazza.

“Please give me another chance to prove to you how much I love you.” He practically begs.

And in this instance I know I can’t say no. As much as my mind screams no, my heart says yes. Yes, yes, yes! With Zayn it’s just so extremely exciting. It’s like a whole new world I’m exploring. It’s so intriguing. One minute I want to punch him in the face and the next I desire him, his face and his touch. It’s exhilarating.

I still want things to change and he really needs to explain himself, but in this moment, when he looks at me like that, tenderly holds my wrist and basically pleads for another chance, I immediate forgive him.

Now I just have to forgive myself for what I have done with Hazza.

Technically we had broken up, but I still feel so guilty about it. Guilty towards Zayn and Hazza. It feels like I’ve used Hazza, which was not the case. I can never intentionally use him. I just need him.

I also feel wrong, because I basically cheated on Zayn with Hazza. Zayn is already so agitated when I only mention Hazza’s name. He doesn’t even know half about our relationship. I’ve told him Hazza and I are friends and not lovers, but how can he believe me when I’ve gone further with Hazza than I have with Zayn? Will Zayn still trust me? And what about Hazza? What will happen between Hazza and me?

Ugh! Why can’t I stop thinking?

“Louis?” Zayn carefully asks.

I look up to Zayn and realize why I’m doing this to myself. It’s all so complicated, but this is what I want. I want Zayn.

“I forgive you.” I say with a faint smile and he instantly crushes me with a tight hug.

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New chapter =)

Thank you all so much for your reads, votes and comments. I loved the honest and sweet feedback/comments I recieved. I choose Amna for the dedication this time, she was the first to comment and she has voted a lot on this story. But I also want to thank all the others that voted and 1LittleSummer and LouehBearBums for their comments <3
I feel like I always say the same things when it comes to my 'thank you', but I hope you realize that internally I smile very widely and say omg omg when someone comments (or votes or reads). It just really makes me happy <3 

Larry is my otp, I truly believe that Larry is real and I fight for their love. But I also kind of love the Zouis in this to be honest <3 What do you guys think?
And what will happen? More drama? ;)

I hoped you liked this new chapter! I would really love it if you would comment or vote! Or if you share it; that would be awesome too!

I wrote down all the things that I still want to happen for this story, so I can tell you how many chapters you can still expect. This story will have around 35 chapters total (so that means that there are still 14 more to come). This is a guess, because I still have to write most of it. But it will be around 14 chapters. I hope you guys don't mind ^^

and lastly: I try to upload at least once a week but because of my fucking disease I can't promise it!