Some Wounds Never Heal

Shock is Only Natural

The impact sends me flying forward and I bang my head hard on the steering wheel. The last thing I see before I black out is Beckinsile's lifeless body sprawled forward on the bloody dashboard.

In my half unconscious state, I feel another jolt and that sends me right back into consciousness. Beckinsile lurches forward again and her head bangs hard into the lower glass of my windshield.

I cringe at the sound of her skull cracking and then I feel my dinner making its way back up. I open up my completely unharmed door and collapse on the ground. I fumble around for my phone with hands shaking from shock and pain. I dial the emergency number and try to keep my heartbeat under control.

I shake the flashback from my head and find myself glued to the tile of the floor. Tears are dripping down my face and my head and broken arm are throbbing. I race up to my room and grab the bottle of painkillers off my dresser.

I pour some into my hand and down them all with a cup of water. I set my shaking hands on the banister by the stairs and take a few deep breaths. I look over the edge of the banister and I see that I'm at least twelve feet from the ground.

"I could jump and then I'd be with her again. I wouldn't have to go through this mortal pain anymore and I'd have her back. We could hold each other and I could tell her how much I love her as she falls asleep in my arms. I could kiss her again and I wouldn't have to stay on this earth without her any longer. If I only jump..." I think as my hands clutch on the banister until my knuckles turn white.

I'm all ready to jump when my parents and siblings walk through the door. My mom locks eyes with me and I can almost feel the hurt she's carrying in that gaze.

"Don't do it Oliver...I know it hurts to not be with her but this is not the way to go." My mother walks slowly up the stairs and when she reaches the top she stops.

She puts her hands up in surrender and stays at the top of the stairs. I'm surprised she hasn't burst into tears yet. Victoria, Luke and my dad stay frozen at the front door. My mom takes a few steps towards me and sets her hand on one of mine that is still clutching the banister.

"Oliver, I think you need to get some sleep...Just rest for tonight." She kisses my forehead and uncurls my hands from the banister.

"I just need to be with her...I miss her so much..." I scream as I collapse onto my bed.

My mom takes a seat next to me and ruffles my hair.

"It's been hard on all of us and it may never get easier but Oliver nothing would hurt more than losing you too and I think Beckinsile would be disappointed that you didn't even try to continue on even though you said you would...You said you'd do that for her so, just give it a chance." My mom has tears sparkling in her eyes as she puts a hand on my cheek.

"You don't know what she'd want..." I roll over so I'm not facing my mom anymore and I feel hot tears roll down my cheeks.

"Just get some sleep, Oliver...I'll see you in the morning." The way she says that almost sounds like a question, a question she's hoping I'll say 'yes' to.

I mumble something and she just says, "I love you..." before leaving me alone in my room again.

~~~~~

It's been three months since I lost Beckinsile. Everywhere I go, I see couples kissing and hugging and holding hands, things I have no interest in anymore. I don't have much interest in anything anymore.

I've quit the soccer team, much against my coach's wishes. I quit all other clubs I had any involvement in and I now just go home and spend all my free time in my room, listening to music and praying that I find the will to stay alive. I've tried to find a reason to live but I can't.