Shock is Only Natural

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**Trigger Warning**

Okay guys so these next few chapters will involve depression among other things so if you are prone to these types of thoughts or actions please be careful when reading this....if any of you are going through this, please get help because each and every one of you are beautiful and deserve to be here...love you guys!!!

Chapter 45:

Oliver's Point of View

It's almost 10 and I've been sitting on the couch, wallowing in my misery for six hours. The Williams had had a reception after the funeral at some fancy hotel but I couldn't bear to be in their presence any longer. Their depressed expressions just remind of how this crash was partly my fault.

People can tell me that it was the drunk driver's fault all they want but I witnessed the crash so it will forever be partly my fault. People can tell me that there was nothing I could've done, and while there may be some truth to that statement, I will always believe that there was more I could've done. I would've done anything for her and the fact that I couldn't and can't is eating me alive.

I pull the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my hands and walk out to the kitchen. My parents decided that they should probably go to the reception for moral support and they've been gone for a few hours. My mom had given me a worried look as she left but she didn't question why I couldn't go; she just knew.

She'd asked if I wanted Victoria to stay with me but I told her I was fine, that I just needed to be alone right now. I don't know why she was trying to baby me but I can't blame her after the crash.

I grab a bowl and fill it up with Lucky charms and milk before going back to my perch on the couch. I shove a spoonful of cereal into my mouth and stare blankly out the window. The house feels empty so I turn on the radio and try to find a station that isn't playing commercials. My hand stops cold when I hear the familiar guitar chords of "Remembering Sunday". My knees buckle and I sink to the ground.

"Why does this keep happening?" I scream and set my cereal down on the ground before burying my face in my knees as the song continues on.

"Beckinsile, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever got in that damn car. I'm sorry I ever pulled into the left lane. I'm sorry there was nothing I could do to save you and above all I'm sorry that you're gone. If you're listening from all the way up there I want you to understand something, I still love you and I always will. You are never going to leave my mind no matter how many times people tell me to move on. Lives can only be changed once and you've already changed mine. I will never regret spending the rest of my life loving you." My voice cracks and I run my thumbs under my eyes to dry my hot tears.

The song has long since finished, my cereal is soggy and my milk is a rainbow of colors thanks to the marshmallows. I stand up, walk back out to the kitchen and drop my bowl in the sink while I try to control the war in my head. I lean up against the counter and my mind flashes back to that fatal night much against my wishes.

"I love you, Babe..." I smile at Beckinsile and how pretty she looks with her flushed cheeks and sleepy smile.

She'd been sleeping for the past fifteen minutes and I felt so privileged to be able to look at how happy she is when she's dreaming. I nudge her awake and turn the radio on a low volume so the sounds of the song are just audible.

Beckinsile sets her hand on mine as I pull into the left lane so I can take her home. That's when everything goes downhill. Before I can change back over to the other lane, a red pickup going at least a hundred miles an hour comes barreling down the street and rams hard into Beckinsile's side of the car. She doesn't even have time to shriek as her head hits the dash board.

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