Stupid Possessive Alpha.

Authors Note.

Hey Guys! I know it's been years and everyone probably wanted me to carry on with the sequel but now I want to admit to you guys why I suddenly stopped writing. I stopped writing because I had lost all my interests and hobbies and had become severely depressed and was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. I didn't have any interest to do anything and didn't care about alot. So the doctors tried me on anti depressants and none of them worked and most just made me worse however they persisted to keep trying them. I must have tried about 11 different ones! I also tried the CBT and the courses and everything and anything I could do to help get rid of the feelings I had. I decided enough was enough and stopped them and decided I would try without the meds as they were just making it harder for me. I managed to go 3 years with managing my depression and anxiety, it did stop the feelings and I still had those weeks where I had to go sick from work cause I couldn't get out of bed or couldn't stop crying. I then started to have panic attacks. It started of with 1 every now and then but then turned into 5-6 a day. I couldn't function. I couldn't do anything. I didn't even know how to pin point triggers because they would come out of nowhere. If you guys have ever had a panic attack you will know how terrifying they are and how you actually feel like your dying. They are crippling. So I could no longer cope or manage so I went back to the doctors...and guess what they did! Just put me straight back on anti depressants! I also tried beta blockers but they just made it hard for me to breathe. I also saw someone from a group called IAPT and did a questionnaire and they believed I had panic disorder. So after a while of being on these anti depressants they actually started to work! My panic attacks started to lessen. However they would increase again after a while so they increased my dose. They kept doing this until I had the maximum dose allowed. 2 weeks into this dose I went manic. Now this was the most amazing and horrible feeling I have ever had and it's so hard to explain. People will not understand unless they have felt it themselves. It was amazing because you feel euphoric. You feel invinsible and you have no need to sleep. You have all the energy in the world and feel like you could run a marathon. You dont feel tired or really feel pain. You just want to sing and dance and be creative. It's this ball of energy inside that gets bigger and bigger. You talk really really fast and can't keep focus on one things cause you want to do everything at once. This is the amazing side to it. The complete feeling of happiness. However it then turned into something horrible. I became aggressive and was easily agitated. I would be happy and dancing one minute and then rage at someone another before going back to happy. I would get urges to do stupid things like drive on the other side of the road-which I then did. When your like this you have no filter for your thoughts. It was very hard to control yourself. It got to the point that I was so manic I couldn't focus so much on one task I couldn't even get dressed. This lasted for about 4/5 days. I then fell hard and fast into an awful depression. The worst I have had for a very long time. So during all of this the mental health team gave me an assessment, I was seeing the crisis team and I saw a psychiatris who diagnosed me with bipolar 2 disorder. This was a big hit for me. I've cared for my mum for a long time who has bipolar 1 disorder so it was strange why it hit so hard but I was devastated. However at the same time it provided me with answers. It explained perfectly why the antidepressants never worked and made me worse. It made the last 7 years of my life make sense. But the doctors never caught it. I was diagnosed in February last year. They had put me on a few different medications, mostly antipsychotics. One of them worked amazingly but it effected the rhythm of my heart so I had to stop it quickly. Then we finally tried an epilepsy medication that acts as a mood stabilizer. We had to start me on an extremely low dose and had to increase it very slowly as I an very sensitive to medication but eventually after a while I started to feel better. They also taught me some DBT which actually helped. Not like CBT that never helped me. I have had a blip where my mood went back down but they have been increasing it again and I'm starting to feel better. The best feeling with getting better is that I started to get my interests back. I wanted to draw again, wanted to read. I had gone years with not wanting or caring about anything and suddenly the light came back on. I still have down days and get low but I am much better. If I keep being low after my maximum dose they will try me on a low dose of antidepressants but I'm hoping it wont come to that. I've had such bad experiences with them i want to stay far away from them if I can help it. So.....yeah that is my explanation on why I have been silent for years. I hated that I let my followers down and fans of the story. But I am hoping soon that my interest for writing will stay long enough for me to continue writing. The first thing I'm hoping to do is edit my stories I have already, fix spelling mistakes ect and make the chapter more detailed and longer. I want to finish some of the stories that are only half done.

Also guys for people who comment on chapters correcting my spelling- I get it. I know there are mistakes. I wrote the story when I was 16. I'm sorry it's not perfect but I dont need the simple ones pointed. But I will fix them at some point.

Thanks guys!
Gemma