All Black Everything // Luke Hemmings

Chapter 51

When I heard seagulls flying above me, my eyes shot open.

Dammit, I'm not dead. I thought, as I sat up.

My back hurt from sleeping on the asphalt, but I didn't care. I got up, and checked my phone, praying for a text from Luke. There was nothing.

The ground was wet, and so were my clothes. It had rained.i sighed deeply and slowly made my way out of the car park and onto the sidewalk, beginning the seemingly endless journey home.

*****

"Ana....?" Mum asked as I walked I into the kitchen looking like hell. "What happened to you?"

I didn't say anything, I only threw my bag and my phone down on the counter, and stormed upstairs. I wasn't angry, I was just upset, and I didn't need to be questioned. I slammed the door and locked it, then curled into a ball under my covers, and cried again.

I heard a knock on the door. "Ana please tell me what happened..." My mother said from the opposite side of the door.

I took a deep breath. "I really don't want to talk right now. I will when I'm ready." I replied.

After that, it was completely silent.

I think I fell asleep for a while, but I woke up when my phone went off. I hope it was Luke, but it wasn't.

"Hey, wanna hang out today?" The text from Ashton read.

I replied, "No I don't what to. I don't want to see anyone, ever."

"Oh, okay. Are you alright?" He responded quickly.

"No." I sent back.

"Then I am coming over. I assume your at your mums? Be there in twenty." He said.

I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. He couldn't take no for an answer.

Sure enough, twenty minutes rolled by and the doorbell rang, then a few minutes later, a knock came at my door. I slowly got up and opened it, welcomed by Ashton, who walked in. I shut the door behind him and crawled back into bed.

"Wheres Luke?" He asked, looking around.

"I don't know. I wish he was here." I replied, bringing tears to my eyes.

"Is he okay?" He asked.

I nodded. "But I'm not."

"What did he do?" He asked.

I sat up, and pated the spot next to me, to which he sat.

"He broke up with me." I said, followed by Ashton's eyes widening. "He thought all the bad things were because of him, and he didn't want me in danger."

"Shit, I'm sorry." He said, and I nodded.

"He just doesn't know that I've never felt safer than when I was with him." I replied.

"You want me to talk to him?" He asked, and I shook my head.

"If he wanted to talk, he would've."

Ashton embraced me in a tight hug, and we sat, entangled in each others arms for a long time.

"You'll be okay." He whispered.

I nodded into his shoulder, and he let go.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asked, and I nodded again.

"Okay, call me or something." He said, and left.

As soon as he did I stood up and went to my bathroom.

Am I really going to do this? I thought.

I took a deep breath, and took the razor I had kept out of my drawer. Before I could change my mind, I made multiple cuts into my wrists. It was too many. Cuts were almost overlapping each other, and I ran out of room on my wrists, so I moved to my thighs. I cut up and down both, and when I was done, I sat in the shower, letting the cold water run over my body, washing off the blood, and dirt from the night before. The water stung, but I didn't care. I couldn't think of anything else but the pain. I did anything to feel. I had been numb from emotion, and the world. It's just a form of feeling, all I wanted to do was feel. No matter what I did, I couldn't feel as much as I wanted to. I just wanted to feel love, like I had with Luke. The love was still there, but it wasn't the same. It was like I couldn't share it. I wanted to.

I got out of the shower and put on a pair of leggings and a long, oversized sweater.

Please just let me feel again.