Virgil/Logan | Sanders Sides [One-Shots]

[77] - Logan's Breakdown

"SHUT IT!" He pressed the flats of his hands to his face, taking a breath, focusing on taking another one after that. Then he let his hands fall to his sides, balling them into fists, his nails digging into his skin. He did the mistake of looking up, meeting the others eyes and seeing the mixed emotions showing on their faces. His eyes were stinging and he almost couldn't swallow, and his voice was low and hoarse when he spoke again.

"I-" He began, only getting that far before realizing that he wouldn't make it half a sentence without breaking down completely in front of them, so instead he just shook his head and sunk out of the room. Back in his own room he just stood and stared at nothing for five seconds or so before simply letting himself collapse to his knees. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, and he concentrated all the energy he had on locking his room until he was sure it was closed for all possible ways of entering it.

The usual logical aura of his room wasn't helping at all, his thoughts were in turmoil, even more so than when he'd first snapped at them. Logan already regretted it, knowing that the others would soon come to his room to try and talk to him, to solve the problem. Logan wasn't ready for that, he needed to collect himself, to rearrange his thoughts and understand what he was feeling, before anyone tired to as much as speak to him.

He sat almost frozen, arms holding himself tightly, his knees hurting against the hard floor, and he tried to fathom what had just happened, tried to remember what he'd actually said in the midst of his anger. He remembered their expressions, the way they'd looked at him, and he felt as if an impossible weight were trying to crush him.

"Idiot." He mumbled. A muffled sound escaped him, and his vision blurred. Logan didn't even realize what had happened until he felt the hot tears roll down his cheeks, and he touched the wet on his face, letting out something in the middle of a laugh and a sob. He didn't know what was wrong with him, why this was all affecting him enough to break him down. Lately he had been too emotional, he was not used to feeling so much and so strongly.

One possible reason was that he'd been pushing his feelings down for so long that everything he'd felt during the last 6 months had piled up until it was unbearable. At least that was what it felt like, unbearable. Logan could at least conclude that that was what he was feeling at the moment, as he sobbing into his hands so hard that he could barely breathe.

It wasn't helping that he had to constantly hide his feelings too, because as the embodiment of logic he should not allow emotion to cloud his judgement, he needed to be thinking in the most logical mind. They had Patton for the emotional dilemmas, no one needed him to be a mess (even though at the moment he really could not deny that he was, in fact, a mess).

His whole body shook with every sob, and the only relief he felt at the moment was from knowing how soundproof his room was, and there weren't a possibility that anyone would hear him even if he let himself show of every unsettling emotion he felt. Some feelings were worse than others, but he couldn't decide which one made him feel the worst. On one hand he felt useless and it was apparent that he was not needed at all, but on the other hand his strange feelings towards Virgil were also causing him to feel worse than normally (but he disregarded that because he didn't like thinking about it).

He grasped his glasses, placing them on the floor next to himself, sniffled and pulled his shirt up to wipe his face, not that there was any use in it since new tears kept escaping, no matter how much he internally cursed them.

He shouldn't have yelled at them, he shouldn't have snapped. He could have just left, Logan doubted that anyone would have noticed if he'd just left. It'd have been a better way to handle things, to just leave, let them deal with the dilemma themselves, and he could have brought up his problems with not being listened to at a time when he was calmer.