Wanted

Chapter 21

A/n: Okay can I just be blunt for a moment?

So lately I've been feeling down and you know I'm used to that, I've felt that way a lot throughout my teenage years. Something traumatic happened again to me on Wednesday (I wouldn't go too into detail because it's not interesting and it's a bit too personal for me.) but something happened and it's happened before which led me to a few breakdowns for the past two years now.

At the beginning of this year, I was in a very bad place. I couldn't go out without panicking, I couldn't go to work, college, anywhere. I couldn't meet up with friends. I was really unhappy and scared. I felt sad a lot and I didn't know how to explain it to others how I personally feel.

I did things that I regret and aren't proud of because of the way I am. I was also going through a bad eating problem at the time which is still currently going on, it's just not as intense as it was during that time.

However, because of what happened on Wednesday, I can feel myself slowly slipping back into the behaviours and attitude that I was like during the beginning of the year. I fought so hard to never reach that sadness again because that was the lowest that I had ever been and I've had a few low points in my life before but never that bad. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

All I can do is cry, I lost the control over my mind years ago. My greatest fear is myself because it's the very thing behind all my anxiety and such. But now I've lost the control over my body too.

My anxiety has gotten that intense that I can't even control what happens to my body anymore and it honestly make me really sad. I never wanted to get this bad. I fought every single day to live through this.

I know people say they have anxiety and mental health and such, and you probably do, idk, I don't know your story and such. Everyone has anxiety but we have it at different degrees. What you might find scary, isn't to someone else. Whenever I tell people some of the things I can't do because I go into a frenzy and panic, I feel stupid.

I can't leave my house, even with someone without panicking. I can't go for walks, I can't talk on the phone, I can't get on public transport, I can't go to public spaces. I can't do a lot of things. Why? Because my anxiety gets in the way too much. It controls my life, my mind, everything.

I get serve physical symptoms because of it now. Sometimes I panic so much, idek why I'm scared anymore. I've been physically sick before because of my anxiety.

I cry on the bathroom floor so that no one can hear me. I binge eat to make myself feel better. I hurt myself to feel better because I blame myself for everything.

So yeah, I get it when people say "everyone has anxiety." But when you reach the point where you can no longer live, where you feel like your life is controlled by it and you can't do anything anymore. Where you feel so lost and alone. When you can't breathe, no matter how hard you try but you're still suffocating and no one can help except yourself then you'll really know how it feels.

Now I'm not blaming anyone or saying that people out there don't have anxiety or whatever because everyone does. It's a known fact but I just want to show people that mental health isn't a joke. When you get this bad to the point where you've been at multiple therapies for years and still not getting better because you keep crashing and burning then you'll see just how intense it can really feel.

I'm so sick and tired of living. Honestly, I am. I'm tired of not having the ability to live. And I can't stand when people tell me that I'm not trying hard enough.