Numb - Embry Call

extra - aubree's letter

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Dear Buggy

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If you've opened this letter, thank you. Thank you for at least getting this far; you may not get to the end of this letter but at least it's a start that you opened it. You hate me - you told me you wish I'd never come back and I understand that, because I know how much I hurt you and your father and brothers.

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November 12th, 1995, I became a mom. All 6 pounds 7 ounces of you held my heart and soul - becoming a mom? Better than anything else. I never really wanted kids, your dad did but he was okay with not having any. Then I fell pregnant with you just after graduating med school and 9 months later, I held you and felt no regret. I was made to be your mom.

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When you were younger you used to come in to your father and I's bedroom; you would sit and copy me, try and do your hair and make-up like me while pouting, shimmying your hips. I would stand in the doorway and watch you, cherish the moments because I knew one day you'd grow up and not be interested in me anymore - I wouldn't be your hero. I never realised I would be the reason why.

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As a young mom, an intern and a woman, I was struggling. Being so confident was an act, but people seemed to believe I was kept together. I wasn't - I had you during my first year of internship and I couldn't bond properly with you. I had post partum and I felt the world crashing down around me.

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It became easier for me when you were older, when I could come to the creche every moment and sit with you. That's how you grew to be such a little mini-me. When I had Bailey and Cooper it became harder, I couldn't spend all my time with you and I couldn't spend it all with them, and then there was your father and work. I became so sick...

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I know it's no excuse, I know I should have fought, but I'm nowhere near as strong as I ever wanted to be. I chose the easiest option I could think of - I left. And as much as I regret it to this day I know you and your brothers wouldn't be the amazing, strong and courageous individuals you are today, and I'm sure you guys wouldn't be as close.

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I hope that when you become a mom you do not face the struggles I did. I hope you'll understand the love I have for you all, and maybe understand what drove me to leave. There is no excuse, and I pray you'll never follow the dark path I did, but maybe one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

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I love you, my little buggy!

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All my love,

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Amelia Brady
(Mom)

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P.S. if you ever need me, if you ever want me, I'll be there.