Jacob

Chapter 25: Support

           

           

I was cuddled up against Jacob naked. My knee bent over his torso, feet between his thighs, face on the pillow next to his, a plush comforter covered us. His body produces this heat that just increases when he sleeps, and it's relaxing. Being around him makes me feel safe, more so than before because the security that he gives me feels different. The safety of knowing that I'm surrounded by an army, and the security of knowing that I am the only one he is with right at that moment.

           

Even though, I feel this way I don't think I fully trust him, I want to but it's not that simple. I've never been able to trust anyone so easily, and even though if I do decide to trust them I end up regretting it. I want to be with someone that I trust, equably if I wasn't with him specifically and I was with someone or at least tried to be, I think it would be equally as hard to trust that person. I have trust issues. 

Maybe I'll be eased in to it by him like before, or because of the different circumstances I won't ever trust him. It's not like it was before, our relationship. It used to be simple back then; he wasn't a man that I wanted to fuck, and he couldn't really respond back, but now... it's different. It's different in the way that, I feel there is certain things that I have to do, a way that I have to feel, or a way that I have to be, and I haven't felt like this in a while. To me, before Jake was Jake, he was just an animal in my backyard, my best friend that I always wanted to sleep next to or be next to. Now, he isn't my best friend, I don't have the urge to tell him everything—now I feel have to hide my feelings from him, be a different person. And I want to be with him more than ever, I don't want to feel this way. He's the type of person that I never thought I'd be with, different than the guys that want me, and maybe I like it, but it scares me.

I want to believe he loves me, every time he says I do believe him, but the feeling wears out a seconds later. I'm scared is all, because I know once I truly and wholeheartedly trust that he loves me, I'll feel compelled to love him back and me loving him changes everything. And I'm not ready for that.

I haven't known him for that long, but I know I strong feelings for him. I can't necessarily explain it. It's strange. I recently met the real him, and I already feel so attached. It's unnatural the way I feel for him, but I can't help myself. And maybe it is love, either way I'm scared to admit the possibility. I loved someone before and I ended up being hurt and I don't want to go through that again. Ever. With Jacob if love him, the love I'd have for him it'd be stronger—for some reason I know my love for him will be stronger than any love that I could possibly have, and now to imagine him breaking my heart. I'll never get over something like that. I know myself enough to say I won't be able to resist him, even if I'm sure he'll hurt me. I'll try to fight it as long as I can though.

Jacob's eyes are closed, he looks like he's sleeping, but I'm not so sure. Maybe he's faking.

I'm only saying, we've slept in the same bed before, and all those times when I woke he was never there. He always leaves right at this time. Me being me, jumping to conclusions, I can't help but feel it was something I've done even if he repeatedly tells me that he wakes up early to work out. I don't believe him, even if I have no reason to think otherwise

I stroke his stubbled cheek with my knuckles, he tightens his jaw and shifts his body. My body turns cold as I move with him.

"Are you sleeping?" I anxiously whisper.  

He shakes his head, groans, turns to face and opens his eyes.

I bite my lip culpably, "Sorry."

"Sorry?" He says groggily.