One. || h.s.

Forty.

As soon as the elevator doors open, Harry's hand is on my lower back and is propelling me down the hall.  My eyes land on my old condo door and I internally cringe at how many fucked up things happened behind that door and concerning the people who lived behind it as well.  Harry's arm wraps around my waist it and he pulls me into him as we approach Niall's door.  Voices and music are heard through the door and normally I would grow excited, but right now I feel numb.

Harry doesn't knock, he simply turns the handle and the door opens, apparently unlocked.  As we walk inside, there are already people hanging around the kitchen and on the sofas, all chatting with each other.  I recognize a few of them as some of my colleagues from work which Niall must know through Zayn.  I see Liz and Rebecca who wave to me and smile, which I return.  I recognize other people as some of Niall's family; his parents, his brother and his family, and a few of his aunts, uncles and cousins.  Music plays in the background turning the separate conversations into hums and murmurs.

Everyone is dressed casually in jeans and plain tops, and I'm relieved that I dressed casually too.  I was stressing over what to wear earlier but decided to dress in dark jeans and a black tank top with a lilac cardigan when I saw Harry in black jeans and a white T-shirt.

I skim the room and relief washes over me when I see no sign of Zayn.  No matter what I tell myself or will myself to believe, I'm afraid of what Harry might say if he shows up.  I know he trust me, but I also know he doesn't trust Zayn. 

"Hey, you alright?" Harry murmurs in my ear as he pulls me into the room in Niall's direction.

"Yeah, I just want to have a good time," I sigh, nodding to myself.  I give him the best smile I can muster and he leans in, pressing a kiss to my temple.  His green eyes are sympathetic as they skim over my face, knowing all too well that I'm not in my best spirits.

"I'm sure you'll be just fine after a few drinks," he teases with a playfully smirk, trying to lift my spirits.  I shove him gently, a small grin playing on my lips and shaking my head.

I hate that he can tell I'm not myself, that my head is too full for my own good and I've nearly had it with the conflict that never seems to cease in my life.  I want to feel happy all the time like I did yesterday when we were joking around and being playful, I want to feel alive everyday like I do when his hands skim over my body and he looks into my eyes and kisses my lips.  Unfortunately, it's not possible right now and no matter what I do or say I cannot seem to shake the dark cloud that keeps following me around.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself.  I've had enough, so I put on my best smile as we approach Niall and when his bright eyes light up at the sight of us, my smile actually becomes real.  I'm not surprised he has a beer in his hand already, a few empties already sat on the counter behind him.

"Hey, it's great to see you two," he beams, pulling me into a tight hug and hugging Harry as well. 

"Happy belated birthday Nialler," I smile and Harry repeats me.

"My mum is dying to see you," Niall turns to me and rolls his eyes sarcastically.  "She's always liked you better than me."

"Shut up, you know that's not true!" I laugh and swat his arm playfully.  "Where is she?"

"Just in the living room with my brother," he says, motioning in their direction.

I start to step towards them but hesitate, the realization catching up to me that I haven't seen them in years.  Niall's family knew me too well back then, I would seek cover in this place often.  His mother, Lauren, was always very kind and she treated me like a daughter.  That was almost worse because I wasn't just disappointing my mother with my behavior, but I was disappointing her too.  I hope she doesn't pass judgment over me now for what I was doing in past; this seems to be a reoccurring fear.  Every time, though, I'm surprised that everyone accepts me and smiles when they see me despite who I used to be.