Fifty Two.

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"I'm sorry," I mutter.  The few tears I have left to give fall down my face and melt into my pillow.

"Sky," Harry sighs, sitting on the edge of the bed and running his large fingers through my hair and down my arm comfortingly.  "Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for.  I completely understand and I wouldn't have it any other way."

I nod, although I still feel sorry.  There's no sense in arguing, I don't have the energy to anyways.  I've ruined this one chance for us to get away and no matter what Harry says it's my fault we're stuck here.  What happened to my sister may not be my fault, but this is.  I just can't leave right now, and especially not tomorrow as I haven't even seen her yet.  Right about now we would be packing and making sure everything is set for our trip, but instead I'm stuck in bed unable to move or numb my mind no matter how badly I wish I could. 

We both stayed home from work today and I spent the day in bed while Harry tried to get me to eat and shower.  I feel like I'm not showing him how grateful I am that he's here, but I am.  I wouldn't want anyone else here with me through this, it nearly killed me when he sent me off to talk to my mom at the hospital.  All I wanted was for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything was alright.  I wanted to see his bright eyes and be engulfed in his musky scent that draws me in.  I need him right now and no one else.

I don't think anyone else could even come close to comforting me as much as Harry does.  I hope I never lose him, I couldn't imagine what I'd do without him.  As much as he's hurt me in the past, he's making up for it now.  Even back then he would take care of me if something outside of our control made me upset.  I never doubted that he loved me, he just rarely showed it.  Instead, he would lash out and take his frustrations out on me.  I never knew why he was so angry with the world, he never did tell me.  I'm just more than glad that things have changed now, but I still have a nagging in the back of my mind that's holding me back.  I'm still afraid to end up how we were before, end up how I was before.  I'm looking out for myself which I never did before I left.

Losing this trip to Washington means losing my chance to do something for myself and right a wrong that's been haunting me.  Losing this trip also means I'm stuck in New York, my least favorite and most favorite state depending on the day.  Right now I hate it.

It's not fair that everyone gets to be excited and festive this time of year, or that the snow keeps falling and creating a beautiful view outside my window during the day, or that the lights still shine vibrantly at night against the dark sky.  It's not fair that life goes on and I'm being left behind feeling like mine has come to a standstill.

Harry climbs in bed next to me and lies down facing me, his face only inches from mine.  He lifts a hand and caresses my cheek with the back of his fingers.  I shut my eyes, his touch, the only thing that keeps my mind in reality and out of the darkness.  He keeps my thoughts light and my heart whole even though it's only just staying in one piece.  I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate that he's here for me, but I don't think I'd be able to explain it.

"I love you," I mumble, and attempt a smile.  "I love you so much."

He smiles back, his eyes concerned but still shining.  He moves forward and presses a soft kiss to my lips.  "I've always loved you."

"I know," I say and can't help as more tears well up in my eyes.

How could something so good be lying in the midst of shadows?

It seems impossible, but here it is right before my eyes.  With all the darkness and pressure I feel fighting to pull me under, I'm still floating.  This is my light, this is my hope and this is my happiness.  Harry's love for me and mine for him is the only thing holding me up right now.  If it fails, I fall.

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