Thirty One.

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...

I can hardly breath, I feel like I've shut down because I don't want to accept everything that he said. I could be shut down except my mind is reeling at the speed of light and I can't stop it. I'm almost used to the memories coming back to me because no matter how hard I try they always seem to come, but this time they are good memories. All the little moments Harry and I shared, the moments when I was truly happy with him and never wanted to leave his side. The times when I felt he really loved me, I knew he did but it was rare that I actually felt it.

More tears slip silently down my face because right now, despite everything I've said i wanted, all I feel that I want is that happiness and to go back those moments. The moments when I was happy with Harry.

"No," I whimper almost inaudibly, but Harry doesn't miss it.

He lifts both his hands to cup my face, his rough skin warm as he wipes the tears away with the pad of his thumb. I'm all too aware of his touch. His eyes lock with mine again as his face is now only inches away from mine. The jade irises that have become engraved in my mind are filled with angst and longing. I can almost feel him pleading me to understand, but I'm not sure I can.

"Yes," he argues, his voice low. "Yes, Skylar I care and you never gave me a chance to show you that I did. I almost had it, I swear to you." His eyes flicker, searching mine for a sign, but I don't give him one. "Why did you leave me?" He asks, his voice cracking at the end.

Harry has not once asked me why I left. He never asked in all the hundreds of texts, emails, even the letters I got in the first few month I was away, begging me to come back. I'm shocked to say least, not that he asked but that he really doesn't know.

"Harry," I choke out, my voice thin and weak, "you know I couldn't stay anymore. I felt like I was living in hell -"

"No, that's not it," he interrupts me. "If that was the reason you would have broken up with me and sworn to never see me again, that would be it. You moved across the country, all I'm asking is why?"

I want so badly to look away from him but I can't. My past is staring me right in the face and I have to face it, I can't turn away again. Turning away would only make this feel so much worse, so much harder to bear.

"I... In that year we were together..." I mutter shakily, struggling to find the right words. More tears build up behind my eyes, but I hold them back. I'm sick of crying, it's all I've been doing for too long. "Harry, I changed. I wasn't me anymore, I didn't know who I was at all. I still feel that way, I still feel like I haven't completely found my way back to who I was even after three years being away from you. I feel broken, like something is missing and I don't know where to find it."

He watches me as words fall from my lips; words I've never said, words I've never admitted to myself. Now that I've said them I feel them more than ever. A pit in my stomach forms and I feel empty. I feel like a hollow shell living day to day without substance, without personality, without purpose.

"Skylar," Harry mumbles, dropping his hands from my face. He trails one slowly down my neck and brings the other to the small of my back, pulling me closer to him.

His body warms me as the space between us diminishes, his light minty and musky scent filling me completely. He presses his forehead to mine and I shut my eyes momentarily, allowing myself to breath. Having him near fills some of the emptiness and I accept it even though I know I shouldn't. When I open my eyes, he's still looking into mine, his gaze not faltering once.

"I'll help you find you," he whispers and the next thing I know his lips are on mine.

The rush I feel can't be compared to anything. Fire runs through me and I cant stop it once the flames have consumed me completely. I'm gripping at Harry's toned arms and standing on my toes so I can kiss him harder. He moves both his hands to my waist and pulls me as close as he possible can, kissing me with as much force as I kiss him. His lips are rough but I still can't get over the feeling of having them pressed to mine and moving totally in sync. In this kiss I can feel everything. I feel that he cares.

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