Forty Seven.

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...

"Where is she?" Harry asks with a harshness in his tone as soon as Niall opens the door.

"Guest room," he says, motioning down the hall and stepping out of Harry's way.  He nods and puts a hand on Niall's shoulder briefly before heading down the hall to find his sister.

Niall shuts the door and turns to me as I linger around the door, not wanting to disrupt Harry.  I know how much he cares about his sister and how worried he is about her, so decide to let him scope out the situation himself without me hovering over his shoulder.

"How's everything going?" Niall asks quietly, running his hand down the length of my arm in a friendly gesture.

"Good..." I say and give him a weak smile.

"You don't sound too convinced," he frowns and I look away from his prying blue eyes that could probably force me to say anything.  He takes me by the wrist and pulls me into the living room to sit on the sofa next to him.  "Tell me."

I sigh and glance in the direction of the hallway to make sure Harry is nowhere in ear shot. 

"I just... I mean it's going well, so well.  We've been getting along so great and he's so different now, it's everything I've ever wanted - I mean..." I stop rambling and sigh once more, slumping back into the sofa.  Niall leans back beside me, his body turned towards me and giving me his full attention, waiting patiently with bright eyes for me to talk to him like I used to.  "Niall, I love him, I really do it's just... I'm afraid," I admit, getting some relief from finally saying it out loud.

"Afraid," he repeats, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.  "Sky, what are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of ending up how we used to be.  I know we're both trying to avoid it and we're both so different now but I can't help the feeling that things can't stay this way.  I can't stop worrying, Ni," I say quietly, my eyes on my hands.

This has been bugging me since Harry and I agreed to being together again and even before then when we started getting closer.  There's no doubt in my mind that I love him, I do love him and now I see that I never stopped like he didn't stop loving me.  The issue is that even though there is no doubt about that, I still have doubt's and fears and worries about us.

"Has he shown signs of his old life?  Like is there anything specific that's worrying you?"

"I mean, every so often he gets his temper back, he's had a real temper about Zayn, and he's still shutting me out some times..." I try to explain without revealing too much to Niall.  I trust him, but telling him about our fights and my theories that Harry is keep in things from me or even coming home to him piss drunk that one night is too personal to share.

My stomach is twisting and my cheeks are heating, feeling embarrassed for admitting that I'm afraid.  I feel like I'm just waiting for things to fall apart because they always have.  I don't know how to accept that Harry and I can be just fine.

"Look, Sklyar," Niall sighs, a sympathetic smile on his face, "I get it, I get why you'd be scared.  But why don't you focus of the new things Harry is doing, the things you said you always wanted him to do.  Those mean a lot more than him losing his grip once and a while right?  He's a changed man, I truly believe that and I think you should too."

"I do believe that -"

"Are you sure?  Because it doesn't seem like it," he says truthfully and it's a little painful to hear.  I know Niall would never say anything to intentionally hurt me, but the sting is fresh and hasn't faded from his words.

"I think you need to give him a bit more credit.  Trust in him instead of doubting him for no reason," he says softly. 

That's exactly what I'm doing.  I'm not trusting in this even though I agreed to it.  I want to be able to give him everything I have, but I can't shake the grip my fears have on me.  It's difficult to believe that Harry and I will have a different fate this time around since all I've ever known with him is pain.  I can't bring myself to trust that I'll be okay since so much damage was done last time and I'm clearly still not fully recovered.  But I know that I have to try. 

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