The Balance Between Us - A Reylo

Chapter 20

Rey

The base was extremely quiet when I made my way back to my room, most Resistance fighters were still at the Rendezvous points and wouldn't start returning until the day after tomorrow. Rose said she would bring Ben shortly when the lights switched to artificial to avoid any unwanted attention and to not cause alarm.

I sat on my bed for a bit and soon became restless so moved to the window ledge. I sat there and pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged them. Little images of what I saw asleep came back to my mind: the feeling of loneliness and wanting to give up, seeing the Force and Luke and then Han. It became all much and the tears made a new path over my face. At least I knew why I'd been crying more than usual of late, a myriad of hormones circulating my system.  

I heard the door open and quickly wiped under my eyes. I swung my legs over the side of the ledge wincing slightly.
"I'm going to shower." I told Ben.

His eyes were perturbed. "Rey?"

"Not now. I want to shower." I clipped again. I wasn't angry at him. I was not even mad. This was my fault too. I closed the bathroom door behind me and turned the refresher on letting it warm up.

I stood there under the hot water letting it release the tension in my shoulders, in my arms, in my aching muscles. I let it wash out the dry tears, the loneliness, the dreams. Nothing mattered. My hand hovered over my abdomen still unsure and nervous. I never had anyone to tell me how to do this. My parents sold me off when I was five, left me to fend for myself. Ben was abandoned by parents who loved him but always put themselves before them. I supposed there was a warranted irony in this. I could do a better job than my own parents, I wouldn't abandon my child no matter how premature the circumstance was. They wouldn't have to fend for themselves, they wouldn't be alone or grow up not knowing, I'd be there. I closed the gap and touched my abdomen almost cradling the life growing inside of me.

I was so caught up in the warm water and the relaxing sensation that I didn't even notice the cool breath on the back of my neck and the arms that wrapped around me.
"You've been avoiding me all day." Ben's voice was soft, tired almost.

"How can I avoid you if we have been in the same room all day?" I remarked gently with wit.

"Don't avoid me, Rey." Ben turned me around so that I was facing him. His raven hair was catching droplets of water whilst his muscular shoulders started to shimmer.

"These few days have been unbearable. I was barking orders one minute and then I was here watching you, hoping that you wouldn't leave me too."

"I would never leave you." I met his eyes and saw that they were stained with sorrow, a sorrow that I had caused.
I reached my hand up to his head and held it there.

"Please, don't." Ben begged me but I had to see. I had to know how he felt, what he saw.

I felt into his mind and pulled at the memories. Us in the snow fighting against each other then on the Supremacy fighting with each other. I saw Ben's vision, see and feel the betrayal from Luke. His own abandonment. I felt his agony and panic when I refused to join him. The regret he felt became mine. Our kiss. His pain. I see it all, feel it all. Then I see the moment he walked into the room, it's horrible. I look like death and the anguish and shear panic that comes through is enough. The energy it took to not tear down the room in a fit of rage. But something else catches my eye.