The story of James and Lily

Planning for the future

Lily's Pov (un-edited chapter) 

The service for James's mum and dad was private but beautiful, James gave a small speech and all of their friends as well as some of ours gathered back at the house for a while, sharing stories mostly but when i could see that James was struggling with all of the people being there i politely asked if everyone could leave us that left myself, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mar and Frank and Alice behind to clear away although i told James he should sit down but he refused. 

It's been a few days since that now and while Sirius has become even more involved in the order,  spending all most every waking minute working on something if he's not actually out on a mission. Even though death is not an uncommon occurrence especially at the time under the circumstances both James and i was not put on any at least for now, no one directly said this but i knew it to be true. I'm watching him now as i sit in a small group of the 7 of us, we came back from the meeting an hour ago and everyone coming back to the house has become a common thing, i think they all know it's easier for him than being it being so empty. With most of the shock from his fathers passing his mothers has seemed to have brought more anger than before, realizing that he truly has lost his parents completely and from something, he couldn't fight, or that they couldn't, he looks tired nearly all of the time and the ongoing days have invoked a certain amount of stress that he didn't hold onto quite to tightly as before. "so how's the house" Mar asks, directing the question at Frank and Alice, they moved to togehter shortly after the wedding. "Really good we've just gotten everything moved in actually," Frank says with a warm smile looking down at Alice briefly. "I'm going to go make drinks," i say squeezing James' hand and standing up "Oh i'll help you" Alice chimes in following me to the kitchen. 

"So everything's going well then, married life that is"  i chuckle nudging her as i get some mugs out and start to boil the water.  "yeah it is, what about you? it can't be easy, you haven't exactly had a normal start have you" the concern is clear in her voice. "Um yeah, i guess you could say that" i sigh pulling a chair out and sitting down. Alice copies and smiles weakly "Well you've certainly held it all together well, you two are incredible for staying strong through all of this" she says shaking her head slowly. "maybe we're just both too stubborn to give up first" i joke. "i wouldn't put it past either of you" she teases with a grin. "But uh, since we're on the subject i actually have something i wanted to tell you?" "What is it?" i ask frowning a little. "Frank and i are going to start trying for a baby". There's a crash and we both snap our heads around to see James standing in the doorway, a broken mug at his feet. "James" i breath holding my chest from the shock. "Sorry, i'll get out of your way, i just came to put these in the sink," he says gesturing to the unbroken mugs in his hands and picking up the pieces of china from the floor quickly. "It's fine" i call but he's already gone from the room, leaving us alone once again.    

Alice and i look back at each other and it's less than a few seconds before i can't stand the silence. "So, a baby" i sigh reaching out and squeezing her hand briefly. "Yeah, we just figured that we don't know when this war will be over and so why wait? we could be holding on forever and we're ready now" She says shrugging. "Well I'm happy for you Al" 

"Bye, See you tomorrow" i call to everyone as they disappear into the night, leaving James, Sirius and i behind. I close the door and wander into the front room, turn off the lights and pick up Natalie turning to go and bumping into a hard body. "Sirius" i gasp pulling the cat further up on my chest. "Hey, sorry lil," he says placing his hands on my arms to steady me. "Thanks" i smile up at him as James comes out of the kitchen, forces a small smile at us and leaves to go upstairs. "Agh do you know whats the matter with him, he's been avoiding me all day" i sigh gesturing to the direction he left in. "um..." he winces running a hand through his hair once and holding onto the back of his neck. "Sirius" i push. "You'll have to ask him," he says smiling weakly as i turn with a groan to face the stairs. "And lil". "Mmm" "I'd ask soon" with that he jogs upstairs and leaves me alone. 

After my rather brief conversation with Sirius, i left to have a shower and picked up Natalie before heading into James's room. He's sat on the bed staring at the far wall, shirtless with black jogging bottoms on. "So today was nice" i state trying to catch his eye (and failing). He makes a mumbles response and finally, i can't take it anymore. "lil i can't do it" he says abruptly standing up. "Do what?" i laugh placing Natalie down on the floor. "I heard you and Alice and you know i'd do anything you ask me to but i just don't think i can, not now" his voice is frantic as i step forward placing my hand on his arm "James, James calm down come on" i push him back slightly so we can both sit down on the bed and wait for a second for him to catch his breath. "Lil i love you, but if we had a baby right now....." "Shh, its okay" i whisper shaking my head. "I'm not ready either okay" "Your not," he asks cautiously turning to look at me. "no, just because that's what Alice and Frank are ready for it doesn't mean we have to be" i laugh a little nudging his arm. "Besides this is a decision that we have to make together okay, so just don't panic as long as I'm, not 40 when you decide you're ready I'm fine with whenever". James sighs a sigh of relief and wraps his arm around me, kissing my forehead softly "well im sorry for being so off with you, i guess i kind of just freaked out, im just getting used to not having my parents around i don't think i could handle becoming one myself quite yet"