Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers (Zouis/Larry)

9. Love & Hate

I grab an Endymion CD, put it on his hardest and start to dance. Hakkuh till I drop! I ignore the tears and soon they stop. The adrenaline is flowing through my body. I forget everything. I’m totally into the music. I can feel the music. Nothing except the loud bass. No sorrow. No pain. Only the bass. Only the music. Just the Hardcore.

Unfortunately the moment passes very quickly. Zayn is banging loudly on my door. Without seeing him I know it’s him.

I turn the music off before I walk towards the door. I feel rather empty. That’s good. That way I can seem hard. Good for him.
As I open the door I ask him uninterested. “What?”

Zayn doesn’t look at me, he stares at his own feet. “I don’t know, okay!” He yells angry and hysterical. I hear panic in his voice. “I don’t know anymore.” He says confused. He looks at me. His eyes are full of sadness and confusion. I finally see his grief. He finally shows some emotion, apart from the outbursts.

“I understand.” I say truthfully. “It’s all very confusing.”

“Yeah.” He admits with a sob.

I can’t hate him! I really can’t. He looks so small, so vulnerable and oh so good. “Do you want to come in?” I ask.

“Well I can’t really work on that China project right now.”

“I understand.” I say with a soft smile.

“And you don’t mind?” He says surprised. He already seems partly relieved.

I shake my head. “Come.”

I plop down on the couch. Zayn does the same. We sit next to each other and remain silent.

It’s not like my anger has suddenly vanished, but it’s been partly overshadowed by other feelings. Feelings that are still rather hard to explain, let along accept.

“So.” He says after a long break.

“So.” I say back. I really don’t know what I want to say to him. I want to thank him for coming over, but I can’t. He really hurt me by embarrassing me just a few hours ago. Why did he do that?

And just like that my questions are being answered. “I don’t know okay?” He says, a little bit steadier. “When I told you I didn’t regret it and you didn’t answer me, I didn’t know what it meant. I was already fucking confused, but you made it a lot worse. And when you suddenly said you didn’t regret it, I didn’t know how to handle it.”

I’m overwhelmed by his honesty and openness. All I can do is look him into his eyes and smile. An understanding smile.

He takes my hand and softly pinches in it. My body shivers from the touch. It’s such a simple affection, but it takes me to cloud nine. A smile appears on his face, a smile appears on my face. Suddenly we both move towards each other and I feel his lips against my lips. I feel his hands on my hips, my hands roaming his body. I smile into the kiss. I fucking can’t stop smiling. I feel so happy right now. It feels so good. He is amazing. I’m not even trying to change my mind about it.

“I don’t understand why I, from all people in the world, like you so much.” He says after a while of kissing and cuddling. You can take it as a great insult, but I understand.

I nod. “I know! I don’t get it either. You are really stubborn, you have prejudices and you are aggressive!” I say amazed.

“You too.” He chuckles. “Why would it be huh?” He adds questionably. 

“Because you look fucking amazing.” I say with a giggle. It’s the most relaxed I ever felt around him and I’m not lying. Zayn is unbelievable good looking, like on a non-human level.