Ocean Eyes

#21 - Jenna

I ran, full-on sprinted, back to my own camper. I couldn't go in. Jenna and I were supposed to be having another sleepover. And we would have been, if I hadn't fucked up. But now, my fuck up had lead to so, so much more.

I screamed as quietly as I could, trying to get the image of her, MY her, wrapped around the legs of another woman, out of my mind. I couldn't stand it.

I couldn't stand it.

The thought of her hands, the hands that gently held mine every afternoon, caressing the skin of another woman. The thought of her breath, that beautiful vanilla scent, blowing over someone else's face. The thought of her eyes, her gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, perfect blue ocean eyes, staring into someone else's. Someone's - not mine.

I couldn't stand it.

How could I let this happen?

How?

I should've stayed. I should've talked. I should've just taken what I had coming, instead of running and hiding like a little girl.

I was a coward.

And now I can't fix what we broke.

I heard the door of her camper slam open, and I flinched, trying to hide the stains of my tears on my cheeks. I closed my eyes tightly, keeping them shut, even when the cold spot around me became warm.

"Em? Emmy? I'm here. Talk to me."

I opened my eyes, and felt my resolve weaken as I stared into her eyes.

"There's nothing to talk about," I said, my voice wobbling.

"Of course there is," she said, taking one of my hands in her own. "I have to say sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't fix this," I whispered to her.

"Sorry fixes everything. Because once we say sorry, we can repair whatever it was we broke," she said to me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Not this time," I said, and immediately thought of one of my favorite quotes, the one I'd always associated with Court. "Pretend you're throwing a plate on the ground."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it."

Jenna sighed, but pretended to throw a plate on the ground. "Did it break?" I asked. She rolled her eyes.

"Obviously."

"Okay, now say sorry to it."

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, but she obeyed.

"Sorry."

"Did it go back to the way it was before?"

"No..."

"Now do you understand?" I asked, looking into her eyes. She sighed.

"We're not like that, okay? We're not. We're soulmates, remember? We're meant to be together! You know that!" More tears fell from my eyes.

"Obviously not! You say you love me. You say it after every time we fight. After every time you fucking hit me. And I believe it. I believe it every goddamn time. But not this time. Because you don't fucking do that! You don't destroy people you love, Jenna! Therefore, you don't love me at all!"

Just saying the words made me almost choke, my throat swelling up. The taste of them was bitter on my tongue.

Jenna stood in silence, shocked, but only for a moment. Before I knew it, we were against the camper, her hands on my shoulders, pinning me. Tears gathered in her eyes, and when she spoke, her voice was dangerously low.

"Don't you fucking say that. Don't you ever fucking say that to me. I have given up everything to be with you. Would I do that if I didn't love you? Don't you dare try to pin this on me, Emma! I wouldn't have been forced to sleep with that girl if we hadn't been fighting, and we wouldn't have been fighting if you'd just listen to reason! You're so stubborn and such a brat. I honestly don't know what to do with you. So don't you dare act like I'm not trying, because that is all I've been doing for two fucking months. Everything that's been happening? All of these fights? This? This is just the price that you will inevitably have to pay if you are ever to be loved by anyone! So don't you ever fucking say that I don't love you!"

A sob tore it's way from my throat, and suddenly I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I desperately tried to get away. I didn't want her comfort anymore.

Jenna wrapped her arms around me and I stood, tense. "It's okay, angel. Let it out. Baby, I'm here. You can trust me. I'm not ever letting you go, okay? You may be hard to love but I've always liked a challenge. You're mine. And you always will be."

Before long, I found myself forgetting. About the fight. About the sight of her with another woman. About the feeling of fear when she pinned me to the camper. About everything that was wrong with us.

Instead, I just chose to focus on what was right - the moment that we were both in.

"Do you forgive me, baby?" Jenna asked, taking my face in both of her soft hands.

I hesitated. I didn't want to. What she'd done was unforgivable. But I couldn't live without her. She was the fire in my veins. My kryptonite. She was all I'd ever wanted, and maybe she was right, maybe I was just hard to love. Maybe she was just doing the best she could.

"Yes," I whispered into her chest, finally. I felt her arms engulf me even more.

"Thank you, sweetheart." She kissed me on the forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I said, and tilted my head up to receive my reward.