Ocean Eyes

#16 - Jordan

This can't be real. None of it can. This can't be happening.

"When are you going to realize that you're in love with who she used to be?"

"Of course I'm your soulmate."

"I love you, I really do. I just can't keep getting pushed around like this."

"Don't do this to me. Please don't. I love you!"

"I hate you. Do you hear me? I said I fucking hate you! I hate you!"

She wouldn't do this. I know she wouldn't. I know her.

"Open your fucking eyes! Can't you see she's destroying you?!"

I can't look in the mirror. I won't.

"You have to."

Bruises. Bruises all over my face. Swollen and large and painful. 

She did this to me.

"You don't mean anything to me! I was just lying because I pity you! I don't love you! I never loved you!"

"I don't love you."

"Baby, please forgive me. You know I didn't mean any of it."

"I don't love you."

"I never loved you."

I woke up with a start, thrown from another nightmare. I clawed at my pillow, fumbling for the edges of it. My fingers kept slipping in the darkness. My hand shook, shaky and sweaty. I raked my hands through my short hair, heaving out a trembling breath. 

Just a nightmare.

Even as I thought it to myself, I knew that I was lying. Memories. They were all memories of things that had actually happened. That was what hurt the most.

Suddenly, without any warning at all, an image of Jordan skittered into my mind. Before I knew what was even happening, my heart seemed to stomp itself into overdrive. I started to breathe heavier. I wanted her with me in that moment so much that every inch of my body seemed to ache painfully.

"Goddammit," I whimpered into the pillow. I hated what I knew was about to happen, but I couldn't stop it. I turned my face so that my sobs would be muffled by the pillow.

Between the memories of Jenna and the painful longing for Jordan to be there, comforting me, kissing my forehead to make me feel better, my heart just couldn't take it.

Tears flowed unchecked from my eyes and into the soft fabric of the pillowcase, and I made no attempt to stop them. While I hated crying, it was the only way that I could release any kind of emotion, due to the fact that I had never talked to anyone about any of that. As far as everyone knew, Jordan and I's breakup was a thing of the past, and I had gotten over it. And no one even knew about my secret past yet.

I balled my hands up into fists and punched the pillow. I felt so alone, and the darkness surrounding me was formidable and intimidating. I couldn't even move my hand to get the light from underneath my pillow because the black of the night seemed to surround me from all sides, pressing in closer and trying to trap me.

I buried my entire body underneath the covers, pulling them up to my chin and cocooning myself into the pile of blankets. More than ever, I wished that Jordan was there. 

I knew that if she was there, she would hold me, or at least I hoped she would. In my mind's eye, I could see Jordan laying next to me in the bed, her arms wound around my back in the night to keep me safe. I could hear the sounds of her soothing words in my ear as she gently stroked my hair and reassured me that everything was going to be all right. I could see the clear colors of her eyes that held nothing but love for me, and I treasured the image, knowing that it could never be.

I flipped onto my side, and a tinge of disappointment was felt when I didn't feel Jordan's warm body sleeping next to mine or hear the sound of her heartbeat against my chest.

I shook it off quickly, but the longing was something that I could not shake off so easily. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying for - Jordan, Jenna, a lost love, a broken heart, or all of the above. But I knew that everything that I had been keeping in was coming out, and I couldn't stop it. 

I never cried during nightmares. I always tried to be strong. But there was something different about that one. It struck fear in my heart and a brokenness, a void that could never seem to be filled, in my soul. I felt numb, but my heart also felt like it was breaking from the pain of my two loves.

All I wanted was them.

But I wasn't good enough.

I'm never good enough.

"I love you," I cried out to the midnight air. I sobbed heavily, hearing my voice crack as I whispered brokenly, 

"I fucking love you."

AN: So, I know that one was pretty sad. Sorry about that. It was just one I thought needed to be in here. It was also kind of a crossover, since it mentioned both of my loves. Anyways, I hope you maybe still liked this one and, not to worry, happier stuff is on the way!

All my love,

Em