Ocean Eyes

#8 - Jordan

Something different was in the air. I could feel it. I wrung my hands together as I watched Jordan and my other friend, Dominic, interact with each other. Something about the way he was talking to her made my heart pound, and I found myself feeling very uneasy.

After lunch was over, I was ambushed by flying mouths behind me. Ayla was talking excitedly to Aleigh. "What?" I asked her. "What's going on?" She shared a look with Aleigh, a serious look resting on her face. "I don't think you'd like it."

"You can tell me," I urged her. "I can handle whatever it is." Ayla looked at me, and nodded slowly. She pulled me aside and said, "So, you know Dom likes Jordan. Well, we asked her and she said that if he asked her out, she might possibly say yes!"

Almost immediately, the pain from the night of our breakup darted to the front of my heart, and it stabbed. My breath was taken away.

But before I could let Ayla see how the news had affected me, I quickly faked a smile and replied, "Oh my god, really?" "Yeah," Ayla said excitedly. "I ship it. We have to come up with a ship name."

At that point in the conversation, I tuned Ayla out, letting her talk to Aleigh instead. My head spun as I walked down the steps leading to the lockers.

My mind knew that I had no say in this. Jordan wasn't mine. I didn't have any right to be jealous. She could date other people.

My heart, however, was less easy to reason with. All the way to my locker, it was clenched painfully with dread, fear, and hurt. When I got to my fifth hour class, I discovered that the hot topic of the day was Dominic and Jordan.

Dominic, who was in that class, was talking about what Ayla had said. He wanted to ask her out, and was getting our opinions on it. I stayed out of the conversation, but listened intently to everyone's responses. The majority of those asked were saying the exact same thing: "Go for it!" I dipped my head down slightly, feeling my heart hurting. 

I could tell that Mya was watching me, and I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she connected the dots between Dominic's revelation and my behavior. I stayed silent. My tactic for coping with the pain of their possible relationship was to ignore it and pretend that everything was fine. Therefore, I didn't want Mya asking me questions about it or trying to be supportive. All I really wanted was to let Jordan and Dominic be happy and ignore my heart.

At one point during the rallying conversation between Dominic and our classmates, my name was mentioned. I think Dominic said something about not wanting to hurt me. Of course, I did what any rational person would do. I took a deep breath, slapped on my most convincing fake smile, and said to him, "I think you should go for it! Ask her out! You're not hurting me. I say, go ahead!"

Just saying the words pained me physically. Mya threw me a glance that clearly said, "I know you're lying." I ignored it. 

After my declaration, the room popped with conversation. Everyone was trying to persuade Dominic to ask Jordan out. I stayed out of it; I had already said my piece. Finally, after much discussion and debate, Dominic decided that he would ask Jordan to be his girlfriend after that hour. 

Upon hearing the news, I felt my heart throb. It was a deep ache, like a longing for something that could never be gained. I pushed it back. For the first time in the history of my eighth grade year, I paid attention to the math teacher and worked on the assignment diligently. 

When the bell rang for the next class, I felt my stomach drop. Dominic was asking Jordan out this hour. Jordan. My Jordan.

No, stop it! 

Jordan is not yours and she never will be.

You said you wanted her to be happy. Well, now is the time to prove that you meant that.

Determined to keep my emotions out of the way of Jordan and Dominic's soon-to-be relationship, I walked down the hall with total confidence. I had my game face on, and I wasn't about to let anyone break down my walls to see what was really going on in my mind. 

When I reached my next class, I could see Dominic waiting for Jordan. I flinched at the thought of her saying yes.

When she reached him, Dominic pulled Jordan to the lockers to ask. Ayla and Aleigh and the others crowded around to hear, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I walked inside the classroom and set my stuff on my desk. Then, after checking to make sure that no one was watching, I laid my head down on my desk. I couldn't take it, but I had to. 

Conceal, don't feel, don't them know...

I lifted my head from the desk and pushed the pain in my heart to the very back of mind.

Don't focus on it.

Don't focus on it.

I was interrupted with my self-talk by Jordan, Ayla, and Aleigh bursting through the door. They were all talking at once, but I managed to gather that Jordan and Dominic were in fact dating. As soon as I realized that, I felt tears gather behind my eyelids, but I pushed them back furiously. I would not cry. I would not. Quickly, I hugged Jordan and congratulated her. 

I sat back in my seat once things had quieted down a bit. They were still talking about Jordan and Dominic, and I hate to admit it, but I honestly wanted to duck tape their mouths shut. I really didn't want to talk about it. 

I put up such a good shield that no one that day asked how I was dealing with them being together, which was how I wanted it. I mean, why rub salt on my wound by talking about it?

***

After school that day, Dominic wouldn't stop texting me about him and Jordan. He told me the nicknames they had for each other, and how he was planning on kissing her at the next school dance. Secretly, I prayed to God that they wouldn't be together long enough for him to complete that plan. 

At one point during our conversation, Dominic told me how much he "loved" Jordan. When he said that, my blood just boiled. I had to grip the edge of my mom's desk very tightly in order to avoid punching something. In that moment, I hated him. I wanted to rip his throat out with my bare hands. I couldn't stand it. I could not stand it. 

I didn't reply.

***

The next day was a nightmare for me. They sat together after lunch and at breakfast, and both times it made me want to cry because I was so insanely jealous of him. I wanted to be in his place so bad that it hurt. Despite my best efforts to keep it locked away from Jordan, Dominic, and everyone else, it was all that I thought about. 

In fourth hour, Dominic got Jordan's colored pencils for her. My heart had just started aching when the teacher called him out on it and made a huge speech about how Dominic was such a gentleman and how that was how relationships were supposed to go. I wanted to bang my head on the table and stab him twenty times through with a spear. 

After the whole colored pencils incident, I was in a sour mood for the rest of the day. But as Jordan and I were walking to our Bear Time together, she confided in me that she was going to break up with Dominic. Of course, I hid my happiness and relief.

But, just between me and whoever reads this? When I was alone, I slid down the wall in my house and buried my head in my hands and let out the biggest sigh of relief that I had uttered in a very long time.