[Ereri] The Screams that Saved my Sanity

39-Let it Out

-Hanji's POV-

I walked up to the front door of Levi's house. It had been quite a few months since Levi was in jail and Eren was living at his place.
Seeing my babies like this broke my heart.
Levi and I have been friends for a long time and I know how much he suffered. I know how little happiness he had in his life.

I also know that Eren helped him get that happiness back, but with the way things are going now, no one is happy.

I can't even imagine what Levi must be going through. I've known him long enough to know for certain that he's putting all of the blame on himself. I know he sees himself as scum. It makes me sad when he thinks this way, because he isn't scum.
He isn't disgusting or heartless, in fact Levi has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen.
If you truly see him, you'll see it.
Yes, he's had a rough time and I know all of the horrible things he has done.
I know all the times he couldn't take it and lashed out on people.
I know the Levi that would see someone walking all alone and beat them so hard that they barely survived.
I know the Levi that would yell in anger at his victims-yelling for them to scream louder.

But I also know the Levi at the playground all alone.
I know the Levi who everyone hated and spat at as a kid.
I know the Levi that would go home every night and cry in his bed.
The Levi that would never sleep and had endless nightmares.
The Levi that would scream 'I'm sorry' in while he slept.
The Levi who would punch a wall until his hand was broken yelling to himself-telling himself he was a monster and that he wasn't human.

The Levi that loved his best friend so much, that he sacrificed his humanity for him.

Levi wasn't a monster because he was incapable of compassion.
He was a monster because he was capable of compassion.
So much compassion.

I knocked on the door and waited for Eren to answer the door. I was surprised when I heard yelling instead.

"GO AWAY!" He screamed angrily.

I jumped in surprise and then knocked again.
"Eren, it's me Hanji. I just wanted to check up on you and see how you were holding up."

For a minute or two there was silence. I continued to stand outside his door-determined to see him.
I had a promise to keep.

Finally I heard the knob turn and open. Eren looked like a mess.
He looked...dead.
He was leaning on the door with one arm and looking at me in an unpleasant way.
He clearly didn't want to see me.

"Hanji, what do you want?" He said dryly.

Okay...this is worse than I thought.

"I'm here to see you, of course!" I smiled and pushed him out of the way to let myself in. At first it looked like he was going to tell me to get out, but then he calmed down. I sat on the couch and propped my feet up on the small table in front of it.
"So, Eren," I started, "How are you doing? I'm being serious...I know it must be hard for you with all this stuff with Levi." Once I said this Eren's face flushed with anger.

"I'M FINE! I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE WITHOUT THAT ASSHOLE! DON'T SAY HIS NAME AGAIN!" He snapped.

I was dumbstruck but I wasn't going to give up.

"Eren...Levi...he's doing this for you. You have to understand the position he's in-"

"HANJI I SAID DON'T SAY HIS NAME! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Eren was getting even more worked up. This wasn't the time for fun and games.
I stood up and walked towards him, "Eren. Look at yourself. You have to stop doing this. You're killing yourself."
When I said this he exploded. He pushed me on the floor and started yelling even louder, "ME?! YOU THINK I'M KILLING MYSELF?!? YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE SHIT BECAUSE OF ME?!? IT'S HIM HANJI! IT'S HIS FAULT! ALL OF IT! HE'S DOING THIS TO ME! HE'S KILLING ME! THAT BASTARD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIMSELF!"