[Ereri] The Screams that Saved my Sanity

37-My Love

-Levi's POV-

After Mikasa left I went back to my cell. I laid on the bed like I had done countless times before, and thought about my shitty, shitty, life.

I'm not even near Eren and he's getting hurt.
What if he does something stupid?
What if he doesn't take care of himself?
What if he's depressed?
What if the people I hurt hurt him?
What if they kill him?!

I sat up on my bed and pounded my head with my fists. I felt my eyes starting to sting as I felt myself starting to break down again. Mikasa's visit made me even more anxious and miserable. My heart aches and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
All I want is for everything to be back to the way they were before. I want to go back to the days where I would come home and Eren would once again be failing miserably at cooking, I want to watch a movie with him on the couch and twirl his hair, I even want him to call me 'love,' again...even if I blushed like an idiot.
I want my love back.

Now steady tears fell from my eyes and my teeth started to chatter.
"Goddammit...GODDAMMIT!" I rose from my bed and quickly punch the wall on front of me in anger and distress. I looked at my knuckles and they were bleeding. I couldn't move my fingers.
"Why....why does everything I touch turn to dust?" I lightly rested my forehead on the wall and pounding it with my unhurt fist. For a while I stood there like that and sobbed.

I used to never cry. Crying showed weakness. If I cried that would make me vulnerable. If I cried that would make me human.
And I wasn't human.
I was something else.

There came a point in my life though, that made me give up completely. I didn't care about anything or anyone-including myself. That is when I allowed myself to cry again. It didn't matter to me if people thought I was weak because I was. I still am.
I'm so damn pitiful.
Happiness wasn't a factor in my life. I would live my miserable life and then once every few weeks I'd feed my addiction.
I would hate every minute of my existence.
I'm surprised I didn't try to end myself sooner.

Of course everything changed when Eren arrived into my life. He gave me a reason to be human. He was the one who told me I wasn't a monster-that I could fight this battle within me and win.
Eren is my joy, my laughter, and my smile.
He is my love.

Now look what I've done to him.
He's just as bad as me.

It's my fault. It's always me.

About a week went bye when I was notified by an officer that I had a visitor, Eren. I took a deep breath in and prepared for the heartbreak that was destined to follow this conversation.
I hated it.
I didn't want to do it.
I had to do it.

I walked towards the glass and saw Eren, sitting in the chair with the phone already at his ear and eagerly looking for me.
Mikasa was right. He looks worse than me.
Like she had described, Eren was very pale and skinny. He was wearing a dirty shirt with the sleeves unevenly rolled up.
He looked homeless.

I sat finally sat down and picked up the phone.
"Hey, my love."
He gave me a small but wavering smile, "Hey."
After that we just sat there and looked at each other. I looked at all the things that I loved about him but most of all-all the things that I loved about that vanished. He no longer had a radiant smile, or never tiring energy anymore. He just looked...sad.
Horribly sad.

"Levi, I know you wanted to give me time to think about what I want but it didn't change anything. I'm waiting for you, I love you. I could never love anyone else, not like how I love you," he said finally breaking the silence.

I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them again and looking directly into Eren's intoxicating eyes, "Eren. You aren't doing well. I know you aren't taking care of yourself. I know you are getting threats from people." His eyes widened and he opened his mouth slightly to retaliate.
"Don't deny it. Your sister told me everything."
He tried speaking again but failed once more.

"Eren, this...this isn't healthy. This isn't you. Everything that is happening to you now is a result of me. Me being in prison is stressing you out to the point where it's also affecting you physically. You...people are trying to hurt you because...because we're together...I can't let that happen. I won't."

I could see him starting to tremble slightly, "What...what are you saying?"
I took in another breath.

"We can't do this anymore. We can't be whatever we are right now. I don't want you to come visit me. I don't want you to wait for me, I just want you to forget about me and live  your life the way it was supposed to be."
Now he started to cry.
He was sad.
He was heartbroken.

But Eren was also angry.
Very angry.

"How can you do this?! How can you take all that we have gone through and throw it away just like that?!?"
I tried to stay calm, "Eren you could get hurt. If they don't hurt you, you will hurt yourself."
"The hell do you know about me?!? I'm fine! You just want everything centered around you! Don't you?! You're so goddamn selfish sometimes! What about me?! What about what I want?!? You haven't asked me that!"
He continued to raise his voice. People were starting to stare, "Eren...please this isn't about me. This is about you being safe. I need you to be safe...even if that means not being able to be with you."

He furiously wiped the tears that streamed down his cheeks. His eyes were red and starting to swell, "You can't do this! I won't let you! I'll come anyway! Hell, I'll quit my job and come everyday! I love you Levi! Why do you want to get rid of me?! I thought you cared about me! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"
"Lower your voice!" An officer called out to him. Eren brushed him off. He was still very angry.
"Eren, of course I love you. Everything I do is because of that. You're my everything...but you need to stay away from me. You are destroying yourself."
"That's not true! I won't stop waiting for you! I'll keep waiting and keep coming to see you!"

I lowered my head-not being able to. Ring myself to look at his crying face anymore-, "I won't be there. When you come I won't be here."
For a moment I looked up and saw nothing but Eren's heart being ripped in half before me. The hurt was swiftly replaced with anger and desperation, "HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?!? DO I REALLY MATTER THAT LITTLE TO YOU?!"

I stayed silent and looked at him one last time. Even with his swollen and red eyes, even with his messy hair and clothing, and anger, I could still see how beautiful he was. I could look into his bright eyes and see myself in the reflection.
Oh, how I hate myself.

"I love you, Eren. Bye, my love." I put down the phone and began to walk away. As I did I heard the muffled yelling of Eren and the prominent thumping on the glass that separates us. I kept walking.
This is the only way to protect you from the people that I hurt. This is the only way for you to stop hurting yourself. I'm sorry, Eren. I'm so, so, sorry.

I walked back to my cell and once again stared at the ceiling from my bed.

Mikasa, take care of him.
Take care of your brother.

Take care of my love.

A/N

Yo
Jesus I hate not being able to post like I used to. I would try to give you something everyday but I don't want to post something just for the sake of posting it. I refuse to write a shitty chapter.

Sigh.

I promise it'll get less depressing.
Soon.
Maybe.

We'll see.

Thanks for reading.
Peace out.