VENDETTA [LAMS]

Chapter 43 [Guilt]

BEFORE I START THIS CHAPTER

CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY johnlaurensmom I MADE SOMETHING SMOL FOR YOU

John's POV

My life would be in utter disarray. Actually, it is. Like the author and my room.

I'm in my room with Alex sitting on my bed. I put Lams on the bed who rolled on it wagging her tail. I sat beside Alex who's ruffling Lams' ears. I should tell him. I should tell him. He won't be mad right? Honestly I don't want to tell him because of how he'll react. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to lose him.

I don't want him to leave me.

That sounded selfish? Yeah, probably. Maybe it does sound selfish because I want to keep Hamilton all by myself.

At first, I was so scared committing to this relationship since I didn't really accept that I was really...gay. But now? I'm scared of losing him. I'm really scared. I'm so fucking nervous too but he needs to know. Saying goodbye is painful when you don't even know when will you or they will say hello.

I don't know how to say it, but I'm really fucking scared.

He deserves to know.

He doesn't deserve me, though.

"What do want to talk about?" We both say at the same time which caused us to grinned each other.

"You go first." We both say in unison.

"Stop repeating what I say." We both say. We ended up laughing a bit. Mine was a bit uneasy.

"You go first, Alex." I say.

He smiled and his eyes twinkled, "John, I'm graduating early."

I smiled at him, "Good for you."

"Also I enrolled you into an online program for arts since you suck at law." He says

He did what? "A-Alex, how did—"

He immediately cutted me off, "My brother, James. Instead of me getting another online course I just gave that opportunity to you? I mean, I love you and you deserve it more. You get to show your work online too. You're going to study different kinds of art from around the world—"

"Why?" My heart was pumping so loud. I could feel tears welling up. I don't deserve him damn it.

Should I even tell him? How could I tell him? He looks so happy. He gets to finally have the things he wants. He got a free scholarship. He got friends. He found his brother again. He gets to graduate early. What's not to like?