VENDETTA [LAMS]

Chapter 31 [I Can't Lose John]

It feels like yesterday I wrote Chapter 1 and Introduction and now it's Chapter 31? Damn.

Alex's POV

Today sucks. I mean, yesterday John was lively and stuff and then after dinner he refused to eat breakfast. What am I doing now? It's seven am trying to make him eat breakfast before classes start at like, ten. John takes more than an hour to fix his smooth, soft, radiant, hair. He gets a bit mad when I messed his hair up. I do that because his hair is so soft as if it's impossible or maybe I'm just a bitch. It's both.

I knocked on his door.

"Laf, if you're trying to tell me you found a Pygmy Boa and you didn't have one at all; I'll kill you." John says inside his room. Laf and Herc already left ten minutes ago. John didn't even bother to join us in early breakfast and say goodbye to Herc and Laf for their early classes.

"It's Alexander." I say.

A moment of silence and then he opened the door his hair was everywhere, his eyes were looking a bit dull—his expression is dull.

"Hey." I gave a gentle smile.

"'Morning, Love." John said, his voice tired. I wonder what's bothering him.

"Can we talk about what happend yesterday night?" I said, "And, can I come in?"

John nodded and took the food out of my hands as I went in. Lams was playing with a small tennis ball. It seems she didn't care about my presence at all. But watching her was really cute. John kind of like made a small puppy place for her. A green bed on the side, toys on the floor. Food containers outside the room (in the kitchen) and the best part is Lams is wearing clothes. A red dress to be honest and it's really cute.

John sat on the edge of his bed while I sat on his swivel chair. He started playing with his food.

"You okay?"

"If you want me to be honest, I'm not." He said, his voice low.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, hopeful. I'm not really great at cheering people up but I try.

"I'm going to South Carolina in three days." He says as he continues to play with his food more, his gaze shifted away from me to his food.

He went on, "Because of..."

"Because of?" I repeated.

"Because of issues..."

"Like what?"

"Can't say."

I raised a brow, "And why not?"

"I'm not ready to tell you yet." He sighed.

"Okay." That's all I said. I'll wait, I guess.

•••

Day 2

Yesterday, John hasn't been hanging out with me so much. He went somewhere and then returned back at the dorms in dawn. That's what Laf says anyways. I texted him and called him a lot. I care about him a lot. I'm really worried. He wouldn't even tell me anything.

I would visit his dorm yesterday after classes but he says he's busy with homework so I decided to leave it be. If he's going back to the south, I wonder what happend. It must be a huge problem since it drained out the energy in John. His eyes looks tired, strained and dull. What was once filled with happiness and gentleness was gone.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to help him. All I am doing right now is waiting for a text message from him. It has been ten minutes since I sent the message asking him if he wants to meet up with me or go on a date.

He says he's busy. It feels so damn wrong that he's the one being busy and I'm the one telling him to take a break. It's like we switched places. And me being John, isn't my kind of thing.

Being bottom sucks a bit.

Sucks. Ha. (C'mon guys, I'm just trying to cheer myself up.)

My laptop's screen lit up signaling me that John has messaged.

I checked the texts and frowned. He says that he's busy. Of course I wouldn't think that John would be cheating on me. I trust him enough not to do that. And he loves me. So why would he? Then again, everyone that I have loved, left me.

I bit my lip and furrowed my eyebrows in determination. I can't lose John. Whatever he's going through life, I need to stay strong for him.

I closed my laptop and left the dorm while grabbing a sweater and wearing it. I walked to Laf's and John's dorm, thinking: I must help John.

I sighed and stared at the door before me.

What can I do to help him anyways? I'm usele—Shut up Hamilton! No self pitying! I need to stay strong for John. I need to. I have to.

I raised my right hand to knock on the door but I didn't have any courage to knock on it. Goddamit. He's your boyfriend for fucks sake! He needs you! But he says he's busy...

What should I do?

I couldn't help him. I'm useless. All that I'm good at is writing.

I always feel like something's off with John. Maybe it's because he still can't accept that he's gay? He did say he dated women to cope and shit. Or maybe, I'm not enough? I couldn't do anything right yesterday. I was too quiet for him. Now, he doesn't usually come out to his dorm. He doesn't even message me first but that doesn't matter because... He'll be fine right?

God, I suck at being his boyfriend.

I wish I'm enough for him. I hope I'm doing enough. I wish I could take all of his pain away but I couldn't. I just, listened to him and hug him. I hope, that's enough but it's obviously not.

I stared at the door and looked down. I can't comfort him when I'm like... this. I started walking away from John and Laf's dorm.

I should distract myself by reading books in the library.

GUYS!!!

I ENTERED SOME ART CONTEST IN INSTAGRAM

I DONT KNOW

BUT

THIS IS THE ART THAT I HAVE SUBMMITED

IS IT OKAY?

Sorry for the sad art and the chapters. I'm kind of sad these days. If you want to know why you can always dm or pm me in chat.

You're enough.

Keep smilin'! ✌️